Magical Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced plans this week for the Virgin Space Ship Enterprise, the first of several planned "space liners" to be built with $110 million he raised from investors. The craft will carry a pilot and five passengers up into space 80 miles above planet Earth for, ironically, a three-hour tour that includes about five minutes of weightlessness. The price tag? $200,000, baby -- drinks not included. And, oh, there’s no on-board bathroom, by the way.
By 2007, the British zillionaire plans to offer filthy rich space tourists the chance to fly on his new fleet of rocket-powered space ships -- to be named the Virgin Galactic fleet. Sound a little like a twisted, sci-fi remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, it is. But when you’re strapped in, flat on your back, accelerating to 2,500 miles per hour within 25 seconds, the only chocolate factory is gonna be the one in your pants.
Branson announced the venture after signing a $25 million deal to use technology perfected by the California-based team that made the first privately funded flight into space this summer with its craft, SpaceShipOne. In a fit of Michael Jacksonism, at the announcement, Branson also spoke of fulfilling the dreams of children and plans for a space hotel.
List of 13 Things You Can Expect With The Launch of Virgin Galactic:
13. Adult society will have to collectively alter the term the “Mile High Club,” to the “80 Miles High Above Planet Earth Club.”
12. The Virgin logo, splashed across the space wings, is ripe for tagging by gangs, who’ll likely adorn it with colorful messages and credos like, “I ain’t no,” “Screw you, Pepe,” and “East Side Krazy Killaz 4 Life!!!!”
11. If they sell ad space on the side of the plane, we could finally see Oprah Winfrey launched into space like we’ve always dreamed.
10. With no bathrooms and acceleration of 2,500 miles per hour, the barf bags will be flowing a-steadily.
9. Did Branson say “space hotels”? That only means one thing: space hookers!
8. With the rate of in-flight inflation being the way it is, we calculate that headphones will cost about $75 dollars by then to listen to the in-flight audio programming, which is, of course, conveniently provided by Virgin Digital.
7. Since, in 2006, Virgin Digital faced stiff competition from Sub Pop Media and Epitaph Wire and were forced to streamline their programming, they now only play songs about virgins, such as Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” the Scorpions album Virgin Killer, and the Michael Jackson catalogue.
6. In-flight movies are restricted to Branson’s personal collection: Citizen Kane, The Toy, Harold & Maude, and Viva Knievel!
5. No drinks? Well, not exactly. Branson just hadn’t finished laying out his bold “Intravenous De Milo Plan,” which fuses urination technology with the world of plastic tubing and the soothing artwork of Greece’s own Venus De Milo.
4. Now, instead of dodging hail and lighting, the pilots get to dodge meteors and the shrapnel left from the many abandoned satellites floating around out there.
3. When the stewardess wakes you up and says, “Good morning, sunshine,” she ain’t kidding. Your flight could have taken a wrong turn and now you're headed straight for the awesome power of the sun! Yikes!
2. A crash landing in one of these puppies is a breeze: You disintegrate before you ever get to the Earth and your remains are charred beyond and possible recognition, thereby making identifying your body a snap for your loved ones and allowing them more time to go out and meet new people.
1. We'll say it again, "space hookers."
