The G4 offices are typically fairly laid-back. The dress code isn’t too strictly enforced, most people roll in around 9:30 or 10:00 in the morning, and I’m allowed to listen to music on my headphones nearly all day while I work. It’s pretty nice, actually.

But yesterday, that all changed. Now a palpable sense of dread lingers in the building. The stench of fear and anxiety permeates the very walls. It is as if we have all fallen into the clutches of some dark new master. And all of that wickedness, all of that dark furor, seems to center on my very desk.

Behold—Darth Tater!

Descending from on high in his Super Spud Destroyer, the Dark Lord of All Potatoes has taken residence atop my computer’s monitor and now holds the office firmly in his iron grip. More machine now than potato, he is completely twisted and evil. I hear tell that he and his former Master had a terrific duel and the Dark Lord suffered terribly after falling into a deep fryer, mutilating his body and forcing him to wear the black armor that keeps his hatred-filled body alive.

Caught directly beneath his gaze, I can’t help but wonder what plans he has for me. Perhaps G4 will be called upon to create yet another dreaded Death Star. I also kind of wonder if he’s got one of those funny Potato Head mustaches underneath the haunting breath mask. But then, if the whole deep fryer story is true, I doubt it.

Nevertheless, Lord Tater demands total obedience! All who walk by my desk are gripped in fear and forced to comply to his dark will. “Bring me a Coke!” he demands with a deep, raspy bellow. “You there! Come write Steve’s show notes for the next two weeks!” Yes, all must obey him or suffer a fate worse than death. Well, probably just death, but that’s really bad.

Some of you might be thinking that I spend most of my days cowering in fear now, praying to be liberated by some upstart band of rebels—but far from it. I for one have embraced our new overlord and I look forward to a life of privilege and servitude as Lord Tater’s preferred lackey. Sure, I need to avoid the odd force choke here and there, but I’m wily. I suggest that you too embrace the dark side and welcome Darth Tater into your home or office.