Seriously, I get it...mostly. Star Wars is a fun saga with "futuristic" hotties (I'm talking to you, Mr. Chewbacca. Rowr.), sweet lightsabers and friendly robots (uhh, droids)...in space! Space, people! What's not to like?
I honestly loved the Star Wars movies when I was a wee lassie, and I saw them on the big screen in first-run. I had a ton of the merchandise, from dozens of action figures that quickly lost their accessories to the Landspeeder I got for my birthday to the 12" Leia doll that could kick Barbie's ass to sheets from the first two movies (the Star Wars ones were superior to the Empire Strikes Back ones) to the X-Wing lunchbox I carried in I believe Kindergarten and first grade. I'm so not a Star Wars hater. Okay, well, I hate the prequels. But still. I get it. Star Wars is great fun, especially if you can mentally block out the prequels.
But while I understand the love of Star Wars as a whole, there are a few things that, try as I might, I can't get. Here's a short list of some of the bafflers. And hey, if you can explain 'em to me, feel free to drop me a line at feedback@g4tv.com.
1. Why kids who were mere babes in arms or not even born when the original trilogy came out love them some Star Wars.
Our very own Steve Dove is one of these. Born about thirty-five seconds before Return of the Jedi came out, and the kid still loves the crap outta Star Wars. He's even a prequel apologist, which is not what he would call it, but whatever. When asked why he loves the space opera, all he can say with at first is "It's a little hard to quantify". After much thought, he does come back with this: "For me, a lot of it is the setting. I like stories that take place where the extraordinary is ordinary. I like the way it blends science fiction and fairy tale fantasy. I like how clearly it defines good and evil. I like the idea that one person can come from nowhere and make the world they inhabit better." Gag me with a Jawa.
Oh, all right, that's a good reason. But it still doesn't explain why so many youths love the series. Perhaps it's because the dawn of the VCR age truly hit America at the time that these movies were released on home video. Oh hell, I don't know.
2. The crappy names...am I the only one with a crap detector?
Oh, you mean they named a lot of stuff after the fact? No, really? Wow. You don't say.
I'm not insisting that you make up a new language or whatever, but using words and names that already exist and then just messing with them a little is kinda lazy, don't you think? Jango, Mon Calamari, Kamino, Sleazebaggano, Ackbar...stop it, I'm getting a headache.
3. What's the big freakin' deal about Boba Fett?
Sure, it's a nice mask/helmet thing. Yeah, the jetpack is cool. But he's onscreen for like a total of five eyeblinks. What's with the love and devotion to this dude? And now that you know his origin, doesn't it bother you? Bothers me. Baby clone/son of a dude named Jango. Oh, okay, then. Awesome. Awesomely crappy. And where's the uproar over my man's voice being changed to Jango's in the new DVDs? Continuity shmontinuity, that's just goofy.
4. They won't let the most excellent Star Wars Christmas Special see the light of day, but they're proud of the Droids and Ewoks animated series, not to mention Jar Jar.
Give me a break. If you're not embarrassed by the teddy bear brigade in Jedi, or the craptacular Droids and Ewoks cartoons, then you certainly shouldn't be embarrassed about the best Christmas special ever aired on television in this or any other galaxy. Y'all say to fans to "lighten up" about the series, but you can't lighten up yourselves about Bea Arthur and Lumpy the Wookiee? Please.
5. Why did the Death Star have a trash compactor?
You're in space. Just jettison trash. Duh, Vader. You're an intergalactic tough guy and you won't litter? (And why is there water in a compactor, and who would throw away a perfectly good Dianoga?)
6. Why more people aren't completely in agreement with me that the prequels both suck and blow.
They're not good and that's a fact. I'm amazed that the love and goodwill generated by the original three can make these stinkers seem acceptable to the fans. They're crap. They're long, boring and oh yeah take place in a world that is leaps and bounds more advanced than the one to come after it. Thirty years of war is a bitch, I agree, but why build/rebuild/use crappier crap than you had in the first place? Boo. Here are a few more things that bother me, and I'll try to make it short 'cause my doctor says I need to keep the blood pressure down:
Action Yoda? Okay, he needs a cane and speaks at the speed of molasses, but when push comes to shove he's gonna flip his little green ass around like a whirling dervish? Right.
The space diner with the sassy space waitress and space booths and the grody space alien cook with the wifebeater? I can't even dignify that with a comment.
Elan Sleazebaggano. I know I brought his name up already, but the seller of "death sticks", which is groan-worthy in its own right, cannot go unmentioned. The dude's such a sleaze bag that his name is, get this, "Sleazebaggano". I was spitting up blood the first time I found out what his name is. This is the type of shame that generally ruins entire families, kills puppies, the whole nine.
The Anakin problems are many and varied. First off, we absolutely did not ever need to meet him as a child. It didn't give him a soul or make him more likeable--frankly, Anakin's never been likable, at least not until the touching death scene in Jedi and even then, not that likeable. He's an annoyingly precocious brat who becomes an annoyingly precocious teen Jedi who becomes an annoyingly precocious Sith. In short, he goes from annoying to villain with not to much in-between (sickly sweet love story omitted out of respect to you, dear reader). Are we supposed to be bummed that this cocky wocky ding dong becomes a big bad heavy-breathing helmeted dude? Hah! Well, I'm not, anyway. Good guy I don't like going bad guy? No big.
Threepio doesn't remember the dude that made him? Memory wipe my ass, you know little Anakin put some type of "Made by Child Prodigy" tag on his tushy or something. And the dude that made him doesn't remember him? Is that the danger of the Dark Side of the Force, that you forget obvious freakin' crap that happened 30-odd years ago? It's the same prissy British-accented voice, dude, he-llo. And why do so many other droids in the original movies look like C3PO if he was in fact handmade out of junk by some little podracing snot in some hole-in-the-wall junkyard or whatever years and years before? What, was there some type of retro droid design revival happening in the Empire? Yeah, right, sure there was. Suuuuure there was.
Midi-chlorians make being a Jedi WAY less cool. Turned Batman into Superman. What I mean by that is, I always took the Jedi thing to be part philosophy and part religion and the way of the Jedi a kinda a martial arts monk style way of life. The idea being that if a person worked, trained, meditated and believed in The Force, then they could master it, and be a Jedi. But with Midi-chlorians, it's more like sorry, dude, you're either born with it or you're not. Batman wasn't born a hero 'cause of crap in his blood, he made himself a hero by kicking his own ass into gear (um and witnessing his parents being murdered but still). Superman was born an alien, and it's his body's natural awesomeness plus a little yellow sun radiation that makes him amazing. Homey did not need to train his red-pantied booty to make it bulletproof. Bottom line: I like both Batman and Superman, but I could never be Superman. You know?
Okay, that's enough. Like I said, I really don't hate 'em. Uhh, right, except for the prequels. The new Star Wars DVDs will make their way into my house, and I will end up watching them. I do say "Laugh it up, fuzzball" on occasion. I guess the world would be boring without grand mysteries such as these. And I would have less to complain about, and that would be truly sad.
Updated 5/13/05
