Where would ye be without the moral compass that is In Your Pantaloons? Lost among the heathens and harlots, assuredly.

I accidently walked in on my parents having sex. My dad saw me, but my mother didn't. It's made things weird at home. I feel like I should talk about it, but maybe I should just let it go. Will things get better if we just talk it out?

Nay, thou shouldst not speak of this again, especially to thine mother. I shalt be home shortly.

I can only get girls when I act like a total jerk. I hate it and feel bad later. What should I do?

Thou knowest it is a sin to mistreat thine brothers and sisters. So, I suppose what ye should do is prepare for a life of loneliness and solitude.

I cheated on my wife about a year back and she's still mad at me and absolutely refuses to have sex. Is there any way to get back in her good graces?

There is but one course of action, pray for a quick death, for ye have chosen to make thine life a living hell. Instead of sex, ye shall have no rest day or night.

You modern day Romeos and Juliets must needs temper your lust. I have come to provide all the temperance you'll need in a lifetime.

I've got this weird, sexual fetish and nothing else gets me aroused. I'm too ashamed to share it with anyone and have decided to be celibate the rest of my life. Is this a good idea?

At last, one who has an ear has heard! It is good always to be ashamed of thy most unbridled passions.

How does one please a woman?

I knowest not and frankly, that's not what this column is about.

I'm very well endowed. That's all. I'm just writing to let you know that I'm very well endowed.

Fie and for shame, thou sinful braggart! Be off to hell with your wicked divining rod.

Let not your hearts nor loins be troubled. In Your Pantaloons has returned to resolve the love troubles that beset thee.

Things are getting boring with a capital "B" in the bedroom, so my hubby and I have decided to do a little roleplaying. Any suggestions?

I suggest ye play the role of a goodly, chaste wife instead of the strumpet thou so clearly art. How doth that suit thee?

This is embarrassing, so I'm just going to say it. I can't get it up!

Count thy blessings. Better to live a life of flaccidity, shame and self-loathing than to be led, protuberance first, into Hell by every scallawag and harlot that ye encounter.

I'm almost forty, lonely and I'm tired of searching for a good man. Who should I marry?

There is but one man for thee. Though I knowest him not intimately, I have heard the prophetic words of one Kid Rock who spake, "Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy." Surely, any man that speaketh in such a heavenly, yet undecipherable tongue as did the saints during Pentecost is righteous and holy.

Rather than be tossed about to and fro on the waves of lust and confusion, let reason and sound judgment be the ship that ferries thee across the seas of love. For thou knowest where truth and purity lies, In Your Pantaloons.

I know this sounds weird coming from a guy, but my girlfriend is pushing me to have sex and I'm not ready. Should I do it to make her happy?

Verily, I say unto thee, there is naught good about sexual congress, except procreation. Yet, even that is questionable. Better to burry those feelings as the farmer buries his seed in the ground. Moreover, burry not thy seed in the ground, if though knowest what I mean.

I've been watching the show and I've discovered that the Masking Fetish really turns me on. Thanks for introducing me to my new favorite pastime!

Tarry where thou art. Thou shalt soon see me on the horizon, full of vigor and carrying the tools of exorcism.

I want to know if sex in "the other place" will hurt, because I want to try it, but not if it's painful.

Must ye, like a breaking dam, have every hole filled? Sigh.

Now, good gentlemen and chaste ladies, the time has come for your quandaries about the most private organ, the heart to be answered. Give ear, lest this permissive society sway you with its talk of premarital coupling and love with strange appendages. 

My girlfriend of five years is cheating on me. What should I do?

Any harlot that would violate the tenuous, yet sacred bonds of courtship should be burned at the stake. Report her grave misdeeds to the local constable and tell a priest immediately.

I got a rash "down there" after sex with a stranger and I don't know what to do about it. Help!

Worry not. A quick burning at the stake should heal whatever ails you. Your improper and indecent congress, with what was surely one of Lucifer's agents in disguise, has yielded sour fruit. It's time to burn that fruit in a pyre that will appease the vengeful wrath of the Lord of Hosts. Think about the divine fury that would beset your community otherwise.

Dear In Your Pantaloons, lately I've had a roving eye. I truly love my husband, but things have gotten boring and predictable. I don't want to step out on him, but I'm afraid if things don't pick up soon, I'm going to do something stupid to get some zest back into my life. I could use a little guidance. Sincerely, Sleepless in Andover.

Dear Sleepless, relationships are complex and often trying, this I know well. It is up to thee and thine partner to make things work. Otherwise, your marriage could fall apart and you could lose the one you truly love. I doth believe that a stake burning would solve all thine problems. Please, consult the local constable and a priest.

Every week, Anna David answers your sex and romance questions in the safety and calm of our studios and she does a bang up job, but recently she decided to do something a bit different, something more raw and exciting. Rather than wait for you timid lambs to come to her with your sex questions, she decided to go to you.

Anna combed the streets of New York looking for curious souls with sex on the brain and she had no problem finding them. Indulge your voyeuristic side and allow yourself this one, lingering look into the hidden and erotic thought's of the Big Apple's most amorous and free spirited denizens.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see Anna's answers to today's questions.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see Anna's answers to today's questions.

Every week, Anna David answers your sex and romance questions in the safety and calm of our studios and she does a bang up job, but recently she decided to do something a bit different, something more raw and exciting. Rather than wait for you timid lambs to come to her with your sex questions, she decided to go to you.

Anna combed the streets of New York looking for curious souls with sex on the brain and she had no problem finding them. Indulge your voyeuristic side and allow yourself this one, lingering look into the hidden and erotic thought's of the Big Apple's most amorous and free spirited denizens.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see Anna's answers to today's questions.

Every week, Anna David answers your sex and romance questions in the safety and calm of our studios and she does a bang up job, but recently she decided to do something a bit different, something more raw and exciting. Rather than wait for you timid lambs to come to her with your sex questions, she decided to go to you.

Anna combed the streets of New York looking for curious souls with sex on the brain and she had no problem finding them. Indulge your voyeuristic side and allow yourself this one, lingering look into the hidden and erotic thought's of the Big Apple's most amorous and free spirited denizens.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now."

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see her answers to today's questions.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see her answers to today's questions.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see her answers to today's questions.