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The Final Answer: Vampires Vs. Werewolves

EMorton
Posted January 20, 2012 - By Eugene Morton

The Final Answer: Vampires Vs. Werewolves

We've seen it in films like the recently released Underworld: Awakening, we've watched it happen in the Twilight trilogy and now the war over which is better, vampires or werewolves, is going to be waged right here on Attack of the Blog. This nerdy conflict has been going on longer than the actual war between vampires and lycans and today, we're going to settle it! Two children of the night will enter the metaphorical ring, but only one will leave alive undead.

TEAM WEREWOLF:
So, you're going with vampires?

TEAM VAMPIRE:
Yep. It’s not even really a contest. Sure, werewolves are vicious and feral, but they have to do all their work on four legs, and can be undone by a simple silver bullet. Mythos varies on how to dispose of vampires, but at the very least it involves cutting their heads off and lighting them on fire. And even that hasn’t been proven to work. (See: Vampire Lestat, The) Also, vampires are sartorially splendid, and just sexier on the whole. In fact, they raise the general appeal of being undead, which is a miracle, considering they exist in the same class as zombies.


TEAM WEREWOLF:
I’ve been to a gun range or two in my time and I’ve never seen anybody popping off shots with silver bullets. Maybe you can get specially made hardware at some place like Bud’s House of Firearms, after the three day waiting period, but if a wolf is hunting you, you don’t have three days, friend. Also, do most vampires have smelting machines in their coffins? Is Dracula going to start Cash for Silver so he can get enough of the precious mineral to wage a war on lycan-kind? True, the mythology varies, but most people will agree, the way to kill a vampire is with a wooden stake through the heart. Gee. Where might one find wood? Oh, just everywhere. Rip apart your furniture, you’ve got a weapon. Walk outside and grab a tree branch, you’ve got a weapon. Stop by the lumber section of a Home Depot and hire some cheap day laborers, you’ve got a weapon and an army of vampire slayers. You’ve got a point about vamps being sexier (nobody except a Frenchman wants to lay down with a furry woman), but so what? If it came down to fang to claw combat, wolves would win, hands down!

TEAM VAMPIRE:
Ahh, but you’re assuming that it will always be one-on-one combat which, if we look to the works of either Ms. Meyer or Ms. Rice, is mostly a fallacy. When vampires attack, it’s usually as as a group, and you better have a whole lot of wood on hand, and more than a couple of hands with which to stake ‘em. Oh, and vampires are faster than you, even if you’re Carl Lewis on meth in 1985. And they can turn into bats. Sure, lycanthropes can turn into wolves, which is pretty cool, if you like being big, wet, furry dogs. Bats can fly. Can werewolves fly? I think not.

TEAM WEREWOLF:
Yes, vamps can fly... away from a fight, because they’re cowards. Look at the Underworld prequel. Wolves were slaves to vampires (before the wolf uprising), because the vamps were worried that free werewolves would be their undoing. In Twilight, where do the wolves live? On a reservation. You see, it is because vampires fear werewolves that they have tried throughout history to oppress them. It’s just like the bloodjunkies to try and keep the wolf-man down. Now, addressing your first point, wolves also hunt in packs. Plus, if they really wanted to win, they’d have the numbers to do it. They breed like dogs. Plus, werewolves don’t need blood to stay alive, like vampires do. Meaning, that if the lycans really wanted to bring this war to an end, they could convert a slew of humans without endangering their food supply. With superior numbers, vamp-kind could be slaughtered easily.

TEAM VAMPIRE:
No. That’s not true at all.

TEAM WEREWOLF:
Is so!

TEAM VAMPIRE:
Fine. But ask yourself this question. Who is the coolest werewolf of all time? Like, the most amazing, super cool werewolf? Is it Jacob? David Naughton from An American Werewolf in London? Who is it? Because no matter who it is, they’re not nearly as compelling as the fifth coolest vampire. Even George Hamilton in Love At First Bite is cooler than any werewolf I can think of. So, I’ve now got you on two fronts… one is that vampires are more deadly, and the other is that they’re infinitely cooler than your lycan friends. Care to rejoinder?

TEAM WEREWOLF:
This is the same old vampire propaganda we’ve been hearing in the media forever. I don’t mean to get personal, but this sounds like the unfounded rhetoric of a familiar. Famous werewolves? I know a few; Michael J. Fox, Jack Nicholson, Wolfman Jack, Lon Chaney, Jr., Benicio Del Toro and 23rd President of the United States Benjamin Harrison (or so we think, based on correspondence discovered after his death). Booya! What now?

TEAM VAMPIRE:
You’ve just fallen into my trap. I knew you’d run after cool wolves after a moment. Yes, Teen Wolf and Wolfman Jack are cool, but please, please don’t use as a positive example for anything Wolf or The Wolfman, both of which sucked silver bullets, and you know it. You’re running thin on arguments, Eugene. Care to give up now?

TEAM WEREWOLF:
Crappy vampire movies outnumber crappy werewolf movies by a factor of about 100. I’m tapping out, not because you’ve won the argument, but because even if I had a month to come up with a list, I still couldn’t name them all. If you feel that makes you a winner, than go hoist a stein of Tru Blood with your vampire chums, or should I say, chumps.

VERDICT: VAMPIRES. Now let's agree to never bring this up ever again. Just watch this video.

 

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