The end is near! No, we're not talking about the apocalypse, even though it sure feels like it. Can you imagine a world without any more Harry Potter movies? The final installment in the long running series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt 2, opens in theaters at midnight. After this film, there will be no more Hogwart hat sortings, muggle jokes, and wand waving. Even worse, when will we ever see another Expecto Patronum spell cast against the evil Dementors?
Though I'm sure some hardcore Harry Potter nerd will disagree with me, I consider the Patronus charm to be one of the most powerful spells out there. This diffcult spell conjures an animal protector that "reflect the personality or feelings of the witch or wizard" to shield against evil Dark forces.
Yeah, it's pretty awesome, especially when you can see what animal each person's Patronus charm takes on. Harry Potter gets his father's stag while Dumbledore had a Phoenix and Hermione has the very clever Otter. But of course these characters get cool Patronus animals. They're smart, important and brave. So what would people like me have as animal protectors?
The animal kingdom isn't very impressive so we compiled a list of some of the worst possibilities a wizard could have for Patronus charm.
5. Squirrel: These little tree critters may look cuddly and cute but they're pests. When's the last time you actually saw one confront a deathy creature that sucked happy memories from your soul? NEVER. These animals run at the sight of any movement, whether it's another squirrel, a human or an oncoming car. This means the first thing your squirrel Patronus would do is flee for its live.
4. Sloth: According to Wikipedia, sloths are "icons for relaxation and slow movement." And those are two things you don't want when facing Dark forces. Can you imagine a mystical sloth form coming out of your wand and then very... slowly... making... its... way... towards a Dementor (while upside down)? Not cool. Also, what does this say about our own personality?
3. Pigeon: Pigeons are like squirrels, except they have wings. They also coo in a really creepy way. All of this wouldn't be very helpful in a wizard fight.
2. Walrus: It would be cool to see a magical walrus swimming around in the air but this enormous mammal wouldn't be that fun when it comes to an impressive magic battle. All walruses do is forage for food and sleep. That's not very helpful, unless you need protection from hunger and insomnia.
1. Gnat: Seriously. Do I even need to explain this one?
Our other worst ideas included: plankton, slugs, woolly mammoths and parrots. Do you have more to add?