If you haven’t turned on a TV, been online, or glanced at a billboard in the past six months, you’ve probably missed this little indie movie opening this weekend called Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
However, if you have done one of those things, and are between the ages of 0-145, you know that Michael Bay’s newest film, aka “Boobies and S**t that Explodes,” is coming out this 4th of July weekend. Exciting stuff!
In light of the film’s opening, we’ve compiled a list of things that Michael Bay can turn into Transformers and then give to us for free. We think you’ll agree.
Printers. The bane of our collective existence. Believe it. Never once has a printer run smoothly in a time of dire need, which, in the time of email, is the only time we use them. Need to print your transcript? Printer’s not connected to your computer. Need pictures to decorate your clipboard? Out of ink. Need to get all the documents together for your citizenship test? Paper jam. It’s 2011. How is an iPhone able to search cats and make reservations, but a printer can’t do the one damn thing they were designed to do...PRINT!
The only power the printer needs is to work, and I’d be a happy camper. But if it could transform into an actual camper, then I’d literally be a happy camper. Plus I'd be able to drive across country not thinking about printing things. Something to ponder.
Look, fridges are great. They're the only place you can go to get food without wearing pants and not get arrested at the same time. However, the fact that refrigerators aren’t also Roombas is troublesome. If refrigerators were able to walk over to you when you were too lazy to walk over to them, you wouldn’t slip into the accidental malnourished coma you’re bound to slip into in college.
3. Coffee Machine
While they are very underrated machines, there remains unharnessed corporate badassery for coffee machines. Yes, they do what they’re supposed to and they do it well (I'm looking at you, printers) but if Michael Bay directed coffee machines, they would not only brew coffee, they’d straight up turn it into Kahlua cake. And anything that transforms into a cake gets 10 stars from us. Bonus power: when you turn it on, it lets out a stomach-churning Sam Witwicky scream to scare away potential suits that are after your cake, literally and figuratively speaking.
4. Megan Fox
Megan Fox is great and we love her, and that’s why we think Michael Bay should transform her into an actress. For the time being, though, all he has transformed her into is unemployed.
Enjoy the movie!