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In Your Pantaloons Returns!

EMorton
Posted February 8, 2011 - By Eugene Morton

In Your Pantaloons Returns!Sexual immorality has run amok and the time has come yet again for the moral standard to be raised in the war for chastity, a war that shan't be found on any battlefield,  but is one that rages on, as ever, in your pantaloons!

I'm head over heals for my girlfriend, but during the semester break, I may have kind of cheated on her and I may have perhaps caught something you can't get rid of. I don't want our relationship to end, but if she finds out the truth, it's over. Should I come clean and face the consequences?

Perhaps in thy formative years ye were misinformed. Honesty is but the second best policy, the actual best policy being, "Do not make thy genitals as available as a money lender would silver, nor yield forth thy privates as the vine does its grapes." Having failed to adhere to either, the only advice that will profit ye now is to take after the great baptizers of the past and anoint thy head with ointment, preferably one prescribed thee by yon local apothecary.

I was taught that sex before marriage is wrong and I still believe it, but I've fallen in love with my new boyfriend and he's really pressuring me to give it up. If  I don't have sex with him, he might leave me. What should I do?

Young lady, keep thy purity and do not spread like fig paste on wheat bread!

I have a huge crush on the most popular girl in school, but I'm a nerd and she doesn't know I exist. How do I get her to like me?

I knoweth not, but I doth know that for a young lad such as thee, the greatest lesson ye can learn is to forsake thy dreams early on. Only then will ye be assured reprieve from the most certain pain of neglect and humiliation. Best of luck to thee!

If you have any sex questions for our Puritan love and romance correspondent, please feel free to leave a comment and ask. It may get answered in future installments of In Your Pantaloons!

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