Punxsutawney Phil, the world's official Groundhog Day groundhog, emerged from his hole this morning, and didn't see his shadow, which means that Spring is right around the corner! However, we have it on good authority that Phil has other talents besides predicting the weather, and is, in fact, a seer. So, using our underground hotline, we asked him about what else he saw when he crawled out this cold morning in Pennsylvania, and you might be shocked at some of the headlines he predicts for 2011.
1. Philadelphia Eagles Win Super Bowl XLV, Beating Both the Packers AND the Steelers - In what will be a groundbreaking result to the big game, the Philadelphia Eagles will invade the field in Dallas this Sunday, having lay in wait since the Wild Card round of the playoffs, to win Super Bowl XLV. While the Packers and Steelers, depleted from having played all the way through the playoffs, try and fend off the Eagle offensive and defensive lines, game MVP Michael Vick will have a field day, securing the win for Philly.
2. Spider-Man Musical Opens, Is Mega-Successful! - After enduring months of teasing and laughter from virtually everyone in the universe, the expensive Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark opens on Broadway with a new strategy: kill off a different cast member every night! This gimmick turns out to be the best idea in the piece, as it turns out that the turgid Bono/The Edge compositions for the show are the perfect things to hear just before watching someone die in front of you. When the Tonys are announced, TOTD will be nominated for, and win, all of them.
3. East Coast LITERALLY Buried Under Snow - Well, East Coasters, this winter doesn't look like it's going to get any better for you, and, if Phil is to be believed, won't stop for the rest of the year. Apparently, every American city from Bangor, ME south to Wilmington, DE, and east to Montana, north of Waco, TX, will spend the rest of the year completely buried under snow. This will suck, however, we West Coasters won't have to listen to them bitch anymore, so there's a silver lining there.
4. Duke Nukem Release Date Pushed Again - Now they're just f***ing with us.
5. Microsoft Announces Next Next-Gen Console, Skips A Generation - At E3, Microsoft will pull a fast one on us by announcing the Xbox 1440, skipping the anticipated Xbox 720 entirely and getting a jump on PlayStation 4 and WiiThree by simply advancing time, telling us what the features of the 720 WOULD have been, and improving on them for the 1440. It will be released in time for Christmas.
6. Cast Of Jersey Shore Become Consultants to the Catholic Church - As the next season of Jersey Shore will take place in Italy, a "lost weekend" of sorts spent at the Vatican leads Pope Benedict XVI to declare, "I want to party with these guys." So, he creates jobs for them in the Church just to keep them around. As a side plot, Snooki will spend the balance of the year trying to pronounce "XVI."
7. Spin Doctors, Crash Test Dummies Reunite: No One Comes - Thinking of themselves as a nostalgia act that will run through the feel-good Summer of '11, two of the most irrelevant bands of all time halt their tour when their ticket sales numbers are revealed to be zero. Not, like, close to zero, but zero. Not even the bands' families want to come see them. Plans to add Blues Traveler are scrapped immediately.
8. Sharks Demand A Whole Month, Get Second Week - Tired of being confined to a single week's worth of television programming, the head of the Shark Union organizes a labor protest, disrupting the food chain and threatening to pull the word "shark" from the English language until they are given a whole month. The city of San Jose and the moneylending profession are horrified. Eventually, a second week is negotiated, and predatory behavior resumes.
9. 2086 Olympics Awarded To Mars - Fending off a number of other places, such as Venus, The Fourth Dimension, and Chicago, Mars wins their bid to host the 2086 Olympics, despite another teary-eyed video from Oprah Winfrey. Promising to change their infrastructure, and to hold off a full-scale invasion of Earth until the ceremonies are complete, Mars also sells the rights to all 12,486 hours of programming to the still-living Richard Branson, who will be the only one allowed to watch.
10. Gatorade Introduces Nanobot Technology With G3 - Not only keeping your body hydrated with electrolytes, but also filling it with millions of tiny robots that are programmed to make you more like Peyton Manning, Gatorade's new G3 comes in Suddenly Silver, Flaming Peach, and Raisin.
So, there you have it. Punxsutawney Phil's predictions for 2011. We'll see you next year, to see how right he was and what he's got on tap for 2012. Were the Mayans right? Only the 'hog knows for sure, friends. See you then!