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Green Tech: Alternative Alternative Energy Alternatives

Posted April 10, 2009 - By TylerColfax

Many of the world's experts are brainstorming new ways to power our planet's exponentially growing need for electricity in the face of apparent climate change.

Some of these ideas such as attaching wind turbines to tall buildings have already been put in place and are fighting the good clean, green fight in saving money and resources. However, many of these ideas are completely impractical or just don't make economic sense. But if we're going to think outside the box as a race, let's really think outside the box. Let's burn the stupid box and cook with the fire.

Here now is our list of alternative alternative energy alternatives that we think could solve a lot of these problems without creating any new ones.

This week's edition of Green Tech; Personal Solutions.

Metal Beds

The Bed Mat
A thin layer of conductive metal is lain under the fitted sheet on a user's bed and wired to a central battery or spliced directly into the home's power station. When the user is in the bed, the heat created when sleeping or shifting in the bed is  conducted through the metal sheet and harnessed.
UPTAKE: According to our calculations, it would take 130,000 sleeping residents at an average of 8 hours of sleep a night for one week to power one average half of a duplex with no more than 900 sq. ft. for 30 seconds.
BONUS: Every time you have sex, your lights get brighter.

Sneeze Turbines
It's said that a human's sneeze is clocked at over 100 mph as it exits the face. Are we just going to let one of the most powerful forces created naturally by humans pass us by? Nanotechnology has the power to create a small fan that rests just below the sinuses and is kicked on when someone sneezes. The power generated can be wired to portable gadgets or a storage battery that is plugged into the home power grid at night when the day's sneezing  is done.
UPTAKE: According to our calculations, 4 people sneezing an average of once every two days (the national average,) would be able to run a 1st generation Palm Pilot for 13 seconds if wired to a personal device. If plugged into a home's power grid one can expect to pay .04 X 10 (-23) less on their home utilites every month.
BONUS: After market parts could set up the turbine to emit a whistling sound or even the user's favorite ringtone.

Metallic PantsMetallic Corduroy Pants
We know from decades of heavy corduroy use that the friction created from one's thighs interacting upon transit can create an immense amount of energy. New corduroy pants with special reactive pads that charge a personal battery or portable device can be created and mandated by the government. So, once we are all required to wear metallic corduroy pants that harness energy, not only will we look better, but we'll feel better about how we're impacting the environment around us less.
UPTAKE: A race of humans wearing these special pants for one year could power a street light in Billings, MT for 6 nights.
BONUS: We would finally not have to worry about what to wear on our lower halves every morning.

Methane Gathering Sacks
It's no secret that cows and general livestock produce a huge portion of the Earth's methane gas pollution that some say is impacting our atmosphere adversely. Capturing and harnessing that methane is impractical due to the nomadic nature of livestock, but for humans who also produce methane are mostly settled throughout the day, it is a little more within our grasp. What we need is a mandatory installation of a flatulence sack for every newborn. The sack, made from impermeable plastic, would be attached via staples or Gorilla Glue to the infants back and as methane is released through flatulence, it is captured and stored. Dishwasher safe and reusable, these fartsacks would also eliminate odors.
UPTAKE: Depending on diet, a human should be able to harness enough personal methane in one year to run a backyard grill long enough to cook 4 hamburger patties up to medium cooking temperature.
BONUS: Teens can decorate their sacks to reflect their personal identity which may lead to less underaged tattooing and piercings, which in turn, lead to pregnancy.

Update: As this story was going to press, it was brought to our attention that we are morons by our editor. Just FYI.

Tags: Comedy

Comments are Closed

  • BigZ1988

    OMG that is Fing funny. "every time you have sex, your lights get brighter." lol i will never 4get this.

    Posted: April 14, 2009 10:14 AM