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In for The Geek: Final Four Predictions

Posted March 31, 2009 - By TylerColfax

bballJimmy the Geek is temporarily indisposed by order of the Las Vegas Board of Gambling Regulators, yet the tournament continues on and somebody has to tell you who to bet on, right?

Well, we're not necessarily one for sports here on AOTB. We like a good afternoon match of croquet, but pro sports and let's face it, the March Madness tourney is a pro event, have eluded us for decades. Regardless, here are our picks for the Final Four and the Championship games to close out the tourney.

April 4 - The Final Four

2 Michigan State Spartans vs. 1 U CONN Huskies
Magic Johnson used to play for the Spartans, which automatically makes them sweeter, but we've got to think that Tanzanian Nightmare Hasheem Thabeet will dominate the paint and outrebound the Spartans on either end. Look for Michigan's economic troubles to cause them to secede from the Union early in the second half in order to join up with Canada and their more socialist outlook. This should clear the lane for superstar point guards Price and Dyson to penetrate, draw double teams, and dish freely to each other for raining threes. However, soon after Michigan is ratified as a Canadian province, UCONN will realize how close their name is to Yukon and also defect to the Great White North. Trouble for UCONN is, college eligibility rules are different in Canada which will allow Magic Johnson to suit up and bring Michigan out of their deep deficit for the win.
Final Score:
Michigan State (CAN)     92
Yukon Huskies (CAN)     87

3 Villanova Wildcats vs. 1 North Carolina Tarheels
One of 2 remaining number 1 seeds in the tournament which is already confusing, the more confusingly nick-named Tarheels will have trouble jumping and running, allowing for the Wildcats to pounce and maul, metaphorically of course. 2008 National Player of the Year Tyler Hansbrough will suffer a career-ending migraine early in the game allowing Nova's top-scoring power Dante Cunningham to drop jays like Michael Fox. Feeling the pressure of being the only Tyler left for UNC, Ty Lawson will cut off his ailing toe at halftime and score a record 58 points as part of the statistically rare quintuple triple all in the second half giving him a septuple hextuple for the game, a tournament first.
Final Score:
Villanova                           79
North Carolina                  89

By far the most boringly named round in the tournament, the "Championship Game" will then feature Michigan State and North Carolina on Monday, April 6.

Michigan State's new Canadian outlook on life will mean their full court press is a little too passive aggressive, allowing the Tarheels, still struggling to get down the court at all, to jump out to an early lead. The Spartans, confused about how to play offense and missing a Magic Johnson who has declared for the NBA draft, struggle to put together any kind of attack. Longtime Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, still sour over his school's Sweet 16 trouncing at the hands of Villanova, will pop out of what can only be assumed is a Tarheel mascot outfit during the halftime celebrations, produce a pair of scissors and prematurely cut down the nets in faux-celebration. This will not affect the outcome of an otherwise boring ass-handing-to by the 4-time champs of North Carolina who stumble on to a huge victory.
Final Score:
Michigan State (CAN)       7
North Carolina                   28

Congratulations to Roy Williams and his Tarheels on another successful year of basketballing and be sure to keep AOTS in tune for all your sports updates when Jimmy the Geek returns.

Comments are Closed

  • TylerColfax

    hey, no russians!

    Posted: March 31, 2009 2:53 PM
  • batman17

    i will in back door in ass

    you are noob drop daeth

    Posted: March 31, 2009 2:25 PM