Hello, and welcome to the end of March, Unyonites! It's Thursday again, which means that there are movies coming to places I will never go, the movie theater! So, sit back, grab some carbs, and get ready to nom nom nom up these delicious movie reviews, or else I will have to eat them myself, and Atkins will not allow that. Also, it's hard to eat movie reviews, because they are intangible, unlike food or paper, which are both three-dimensional and tasty. Here we go!
12 Rounds - This has that guy from the wrestling in it. I was never into wrestling, myself, but ma loves it. She used to sit around on Saturday mornings with her cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and watch Haystacks Calhoun and Big Dumb Steve (not actually his name, but what she called him) run into each other and throw their arms, which she used to call "soup bones" at each other. And then she would fall asleep, and if I was very quiet, I would be able to change the channel, but if she caught me, it was three days in the hole. It's hot in the hole. - Twist of Lime
The Haunting in Connecticut - This seems like a nice movie, where a captain from the sea comes to lovingly haunt a woman he used to love, and who now lives alone in a lighthouse full of parrots and dogs. Yes, I know that this is the plot of The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, but I really liked that movie, and the television series that came after it. Plus, it couldn't be any worse than the movie is likely to be. I might not get out much, but I'll bet you my Pink Lady and Jeff DVD collection that it sucks. - A Rush, A Push, and the Land You Stand On
Monsters vs. Aliens - Now, I know that this is an animated movie, and it's probably going to be good, because all animated movies, like dying Aunts, are to be loved, even if they are ugly and can't sing. However, they should have gone the extra mile and called this movie Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Pirates vs. Ninjas vs. Santa Claus vs. The Martians, just so they could cover all the pertinent genres of film at once. I mean, if you're going to spend a billion dollars on a movie, you might as well make it stick, right? - Statler and Waldorf