Hey, everyone! Friday the 13th is on us once again, like a deja vu from last month, so prepare to be cursed for yet another day. I will celebrate by hiding under my bed and rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot until it is time for my medication. But that won't stop you from going out into the world and watching some movies that are coming out this week! And, though I will not see them with you, near you, or in the same space-time continuum as you, it doesn't mean that I can't review them. And so I shall.
The Last House on the Left - This mostly-blue film seems to center on the struggle of two families to beat the hell out of each other until everyone dies. From the commercials, it seems like it's lit like a horror movie, which I know the original one was, but it might just be a regular old thriller. However, I don't see my names on enough movie posters, so I'm going to provide a pull quote for this one. The Last House on the left is breathtaking. A laugh-a-minute thrill ride that puts viewers on the seat of their pants. Fantastic. - .0000028
Miss March - Thank goodness they're putting this movie out now, instead of next month, or they really would miss March. Do you get it? It's a calendar joke. I wonder if that's what the movie is about. Maybe it's about a bunch of people who routinely get into a time-jumping machine, and then they always miss March. That would be bittersweet. Bitter for the 'in like a lion' part, but sweet for the 'out like a lamb.' Wait. Maybe that's the other way around. It depends on how you like the weather. - +2 Cone of Silence
Race to Witch Mountain - I really wish this movie was called Race To Which Mountain? and it was about two teams of special kids who had to race each other across the globe, but couldn't figure out which of the tens of thousands of mountains on the map they had to go to. It would be a coming-of-age story, and a hard-boiled, on-the-road action-adventure-hyphenate blast! - One Of Those Plastic Birds That Ducks Its Head Into Water...Repeatedly