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Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

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Posted March 5, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Gene Unyons Movie Reviews; Watchmen

Watchmen - Ok, I've seen all the ads about this movie, and I still don't have the slightest idea what it's about. There's Blue Guy, who seems to be all blue and sad, and then the guy who looks like Batman, and Wine Stain, who looks like he has a weird stain on his face. And there's Hot Girl, who kicks really slowly. And I think Smashing Pumpkins might have something to do with it, so I can only imagine that it takes place in the 90's.

Also, there's a lot of explosions in the movie, so I'm wondering if they all have to unite to help defeat Mr. Explosion, or Blast Boy, or some other stuff like that. Also, everything in the movie looks shiny, which is nice. I bet it's a really shiny movie. Other than that, I literally have no idea. - Six Grapes From a Bunch

Gene Unyons Movie Reviews; 13B

12 & 13B - These are actually two movies, and they are foreign, so they must be a two-part epic. I'm wondering if they're about math. You know, I was never very good at math, so I think those movies about math are over my head. Good Will Hunting, thank God, had Robin Williams in it, playing that guy with the weird accent. The one with Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connolly in it, though, about the guy who saw funny math lines wherever he went, was really confusing. I think math stinks. - Pi R Squared

Gene Unyons Weekly Movie Reviews; Dhoondte Reh Jaoge

Dhoondte Reh Jaoge - I looked this one up on the internet, because I had no idea what any of those words meant. They looked like some alphabet blocks threw up on the page, or the last words of a dying animal. So, this is what it said. "Dhoondte Reh Jaoge which releases on March 6 promises to be a laughathon. And the unique twist in the tale is that the movie spoofs Sholay, DDLJ and Lagaan in a different way." Well, that's a mercy. I've been looking for different spoofs of those things, and here they are, all in one convenient package! - Wheat

 Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

The Blue Tooth Virgin - I'm not ashamed to say that I don't get out much, but when I do go out, I like to play a game called "Rich Man or Homeless Crazy Man." I walk around, see people talking to themselves and I try and figure out if they're rich and talking to their stock broker on a "bluetooth" or crazy and trying to talk the air into making out with them. I imagine that this movie is about a 40 year old homeless virgin who somehow gets mistaken for a high-powered Hollywood mover and shaker. When his movie about making out with the air hits number one at the box office, the president of Paramount gives him a bronzed bluetooth headset. And then he gets to have sex! - 2 Lice Combs.

Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews; The Horseman

The Horsemen - This movie is about the competitive world of Jockeys...you know, those cute little midgets who ride horses? Yeah, those guys. This movie doesn't actually have any horses in it, it just shows what jockeys do when they are off the clock. Stuff like getting out the step ladder to reach the candy cupboard and being mistaken for children when they go out to bars. I probably would have called it "Horseboys," but I don't make movies, I just review them! - 16 Rolls of Wax Paper.

Gene Unyons Weekly Movie Reviews; Shuttle

Shuttle - Shuttle's tagline is "Take a Shuttle to Terror"...NO THANK YOU! - A Small Amount of Gnome Nose Hair.

Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews; Everlasting Moments

Everlasting Moments - This is a foreign film from Sweden. The real title is Maria Larssons eviga ogonblick and I'm thinking that it's about the opening of the first Ikea store. There's probably a scene where, silently, a man and a women attempt to assemble a coffee table using wordless directions. The man gets fed up and throws one of the legs against the wall, breaking it and then the two of them drive back an hour-and-a-half to see if they can get a replacement.  Then while they're there, they enjoy tasty meatballs and that weird, but delicious, berry crap. - 5 Chefs.

Gene Unyons Weekly Movie Reviews; Explicit Ills

Explicit Ills - I'm tired. There are a lot of movies coming out this week. If they're not going to go to the trouble of putting a commercial on TV or having people on Jay Leno talking about this, then I'm not interested. It's probably about a zebra...or a riot. I don't know. - Medium Hot

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