Hey, look out behind you! Here comes Thursday! Don't worry. I'm just kidding. There's nothing behind you except for the back of your chair or whatever's behind you. I'm Gene Unyons, and it's time for my weekly movie reviews, talking about the movies that are coming out this week that I'm not likely to ever see! So, grab some carbs, it's movie time!
Jonas Brothers: The 3D Experience - It's 3D! It's an experience! It's the Jonas Brothers! Curly, Jackets, and the Other One hit the stage and perform their hit songs, and it's going to scare the crap out of you! Watch as they move toward the front of the stage (screen?) and attempt to assault you with their special brand of pop cutlery, not caring how many tween bodies they leave in their wholesome, married-to-God wake! It's going to be a bloodbath...of pop!
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li - When I was a kid, I used to eat a lot of Chun King, and it was delicious. Of course, this was when Mom had my jaw wired shut, and she had to blend it so I could eat it through a straw, but the taste still took me away to the four corners of the Orient, and I've never forgotten that...especially the crunchy noodles. Now that's a legend that's not only nutritious, but delicious, as well!
An American Affair - Oh, I can't tell you how much I wish this was called An American Fair, because I love fairs. Or at least I love the idea of fairs, since I've never actually been to one. Have you ever seen State Fair with Mickey Rooney and that other lady? That made me wish I had a prize pig to display, just so I could stand off to the side and enjoy the fun that was going on. And also I would have had to be alive in 1929, because the movie came out in 1945, and I'd had to have been at least 16 years old to understand what's going on.
Crossing Over - Wasn't this a television show where that nice man talked to dead people? They were all so sad, but then they talked to their dead pets or whatever, and they were happy again. I think that this movie is going to be especially popular with dead people and their friends. And their pets.