Hey, everyone! Gene Unyons here again, I hope you know more about me than you did before, since they were kind enough to finally introduce me to you via my press announcement. I'm here with another week's worth of upcoming movies that I'm not ever going to see, but you probably will. So, here come the reviews.
Confessions of a Shopaholic - I read somewhere recently that a real shopaholic was killed when her huge pile of clothes fell on her and smothered her to death. We can only hope that this movie is about that event. Borat's wife stars as a shopaholic who meets a guy that's into clothes but isn't gay, which is only slightly like being into being constantly berated by a family member without being a masochist. I bet there are lots and lots of shoes in this movie, which makes it like a John Fleuvog ad from the late 1990's. - Three buckets.
Friday the 13th - This one is easy. There's a dude in a hockey mask killing off people for having a good time at his campground, where his mother has spent the last several years going crazy remembering how her son drowned while camp counselors were having sex. Thirteen people will die, and there will be a machete to the head sequence. I don't even have to have seen a poster or a television commercial to know that this will be just like the original, except with faker blood and a nu-metal soundtrack featuring Saliva or some such. - 38 Churns at the Butter Tin.
The International - You know what I hope this movie is about? The International House of Pancakes. I love pancakes. The way they hold on to syrup and serve as both a pastry and a healthy breakfast is a constant inspiration to me. My mother makes excellent pancakes, with bananas and chocolate chips. It's like a giant muffin cookie. After I eat them, I have to lie down for a while before I take my medicine, so that's not so good, but it's all worth it, because those pancakes really hit the spot. Man, I love pancakes. - A Rainbow, A Unicorn Tail, and a Hot Air Balloon.
Two Lovers - This movie is only coming out in 7 theaters, which means that only about 100 people will see it, so I don't care. - 100.
Under the Sea 3D - Oh, that Sebastian the Crab! He's back in this movie, which I think is about what it's like for him all day when that mermaid isn't around to bother him. He swims and talks to the camera in that delightful Jamaican accent, and it's all in 3D, which means you'll be able to see what's behind him. Finally! - Dachshund.