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Bad Snack Review: American Fries

Posted February 10, 2009 - By Ty Colfax

At a nearby eatery for lunch, I noticed something that caught my attention immediately and held it for many hours. It was a bag of American Fries, ketchup flavor. Not French fries, but American Fries.

This kind of bulls**t patriotism for the sake of commercialist consumption makes me ill, but it also draws me in with its disgustingly disrespectful tractor beam.

I bought it right away and while waiting for my normal lunch to be made, I tried a ketchup flavored American Fry despite my better judgment based mostly on the packaging that touted these snacks were "Krinkle Cut for Crispy Flavor."

Lesson learned: whenever marketing speak is so blatantly nonsensical right on the front of the product, it's because the product sucks ass, and they couldn't afford to hire a real marketing person. The ketchup flavored American Fries were like eating the chaff of a wheat plant after licking a pig's hindthigh and dragging your tongue along a salty fencepost. I wanted to die almost right away and regretted not waiting until I had real food in front of me to kill the taste in my mouth. Instead, I went back and decided to try the other flavor, Yellow Cheddar.

I've never fancied myself a masochist, but considering how bad the Ketchup ones were, you'd think I would know better than try to wash crap down with bile. But there I was, munching on the driest snack in the universe while my stomach was trying to reject everything that came anywhere near it. It was not a good lunch.

It's true the shape of the snack is a krinkle-cut like shape, but this does nothing to the flavor much less make a "crispy" flavor exist, which is physically impossible. I regretted buying this snack, eating this snack, and giving this snack more of my time here today by writing this review.

I pretty much have just ruined my whole week thinking about it any further. I hope you're happy now.

BSR Ratings:
Taste: -0.8
Concept: 1
Packaging: 2
Overall: - 5

Recommendation: Stay away. Stay very far away.

Tags: Comedy

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