Unsatisfactory Horoscopes: February

We're taking a new direction here on AOTB in case you didn't notice. The Web Team is very excited to be able to bring one of our greatest loves to you, horoscopes. There's nothing quite like seeing what the future holds for you by virtue of the heavens. Heed these warnings, for the sky has spake them:

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19) - Your moon is in retrograde and of the tilted gibbous, so watch out for falling pianos. Be wary of any gifts given by ugly people as they will lead to obligations of a sultry nature. Partake of the wind and salute the highest tree you can see from your bathroom window. - TC

PISCES (February 20 - March 20) - You'll feel an acute sensation that you can only describe as "gravy" all month long. Also, it might be a good time to stop huffing paint thinner. - EM

ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - Your mother and I have been meaning to talk to you about your 'birthday.' Since we found you in a dumpster outside a Roy Rogers in Passaic, we're not exactly sure when it is, so we assigned the day we've been using to celebrate it at random. Happy Birthday! - MD

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) - Girl problems will suddenly plague you, bringing your total number of problems to 100. - EM


GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - Listen, I know that whole 'open a TCBY and move to Alabama' thing didn't work out, but that doesn't have to mean you have to move back in with your mother. I mean, we can totally work it out, can't we? Why don't you come over tonight for a backrub and some sugar-free vanilla FroYo? - MD


CANCER (June 21 - July 22)- Don't go to the doctor. He has bad news. - TC

LEO (July 23 - August 22) - Align your Chi and find your center by connecting deeply with your soulmate. Try giving him or her a sensual back massage or staring into their eyes for tens of seconds or calling them a douchebag over Xbox Live.  - DV

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) - Dearest Virgon, you should stimulate your mind and typing ability by finally working on that book of poetry you've been talking about writing for ages. Oh, you have no interest in poetry? Then today, someone will slap you in the face with your own face.  - DV

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) - Your Saturn is FINALLY appending, so don't be afraid to get overly invested in a horses**t science that does nothing but perpetuate your delusions of reality and bouts with denial. Feel free to blame your problems on something some dumbass wrote in a blog from a basement in Queens. - TC


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) - "Uh-oh Snakes!" That's all I can say. Sorry. - DV


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) - You're supposed to be masculine, so stop whining about how 'it's not going to be my birthday again for a whole 'nother year' and 'these are the end times.' There are other people too, you know, and just because you can't see them, they are watching you. Closely. Never, ever forget that. - MD

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) - When Venus has reached the end of its ellipse in the northern sky, your head will explode. Sucks to be you. - EM


Many thanks to the web team for putting together this gift of knowledge here today. Please note that each of these soothsayers are available for one-on-one consultations about your fortunes for a fee of $580/hr. Please inquire in the comments.