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Gene Unyons Weekly Movie Reviews!

geneunyons
Posted January 29, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hey, everybody! I'm Gene Unyons, freelance movie reviewer for Attack of the Blog! Every week, on Thursday, the day before new movies come out, I will offer my take on the weekend's big films. Now, I don't go to movies myself, and I will not be seeing these either, but I have seen one or two in my time, and I know how stories work, so I feel more than qualified to write these reviews. Let's get started! 

 

The Univited - I have been uninvited to things in the past, so I know how it really chaps my hide when people say, 'Oh, why don't you come to my wedding...wait, I should ask my fiancee first,' and then they call you and say that they're not going to get married, but you know they are because all of your friends are going. So, when that blonde chick from the commercial gets upset at that little girl by trying to choke her with a necklace, I know exactly how she feels. Also, there's probably a plot point that has to do with a window, because it's on the poster. So, I can only guess there's some magical party or something or other that the little girl sitting at the window hasn't been invited to. No fair. - 3 stars.

 

New In Town - Now, I like that Harry Connick, Jr. He makes me feel like the Rat Pack hasn't died, but have emerged reincarnate in the body of a young man who likes to bring buckets of shrimp to carpenters in New Orleans. Knowing what I know about Mr. Connick, I can only imagine that this is going to be a jazzy follow-up to that effort, where he combs the swamps looking for shrimp to bring to people who are new in town, hence the title. That blonde girl also stars, but I keep missing the part of the television commercial where you see her face, so I can't tell you if she's cute or super cute. - 6

Taken - Imagine what would happen if they crossed Star Trek III: The Search for Spock with Mother, Juggs, and Speed, and then added a scoche of Tombstone: The Best of the Undertaker to round it out. I haven't seen any commercials or read anything on the internet about this movie, but those are three DVDs in my collection, and I would really like to see what kind of movie they would make if you added them all together. - Semi-Erect

Well, that's it! I hope you go out to see the movies this weekend, but, if you don't, I couldn't possibly blame you for not being that into it. Next week, I will review some other movies for you, so get those pencils out and keep moving forward. Life is to be lived!

Unyons out!

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