"Shhh. Don't blow my cover to the driver, okay?
I'm trying to get to a job in Scranton and if I have to do it while wedged inside the grill of this car while broken in half, then dammit, that's what I'm gonna do."
"Well, I gave it a quick look-over and I think I can truthfully conclude that you have a bit of an engine fluid leak.
I know it's a new car and you may not believe that, but I didn't survive rabies 12 times just to come here and blow smoke up your ass to make a couple bucks.
It's your choice, bro. You want me to fix it, or not?"
This isn't your ordinary midsize SUV. It is immortal, it has inside it blood of kings. It has no rival, no other midsize SUV can be its equal.
Its new hybrid system makes its mpg as efficient as its ability to decapitate your enemies.
"How many times have I told you?
When you fall out of a moving car, you roll HEAD FIRST so that the momentum carries you further enough forward to jump back into the car!
The next time this happens, I'm not even going to bother stopping and then the mean, unforgiving streets will be your new parents."
If you were given the perfect opportunity to prank your sleeping wife while in a moving car--at the expense of your marriage--would you do it? OBVIOUSLY YES.
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I'm not sure that threatening to poke people in the eyes and burning down their houses is an effective reward incentive for finding this lost (and apparently chill,) pet tortoise.
Besides, if this tortoise is everything the owner has built it up to be, then it will eventually hot-wire a car, lead police on a high-speed chase on the highway, lose them, and make its own way home in time for his nightly regimen of Colt 45 and raspberries.
Witnesses of this incident described a man getting out of a Lamborghini who suddenly had an M-16 rifle appear almost magically out of thin air into his hands who began firing at the car until it started flaming.
The Police would suddenly arrive on the scene freakishly fast, almost like they spawned about a block away. However, the assailant managed to drive into a nearby garage, which automatically closed its doors.
A few short seconds later, the assailant drove back out and not only was his car a completely different color, but for some reason, the Police had no interest in apprehending him.
Sometimes speeding is justified in order to get to a place where people are known to "stop" and "think." -- Or, in some cases, pop open a Reader's Digest.
It just goes to show that car makers need to install porta-potties into the seats in the name of traffic safety.
Just think. When her SUV is at full capacity, this woman can always just jam her kids into this shopping cart and suddenly, instant sidecar!
Now, all she needs to do is duct tape that bad boy to one of the side doors and one of the greatest car modifications ever will have been completed.
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