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In Your Pants

In Your Pantaloons

Posted June 17, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your Pantaloons 06.17.09Where would ye be without the moral compass that is In Your Pantaloons? Lost among the heathens and harlots, assuredly.

I accidently walked in on my parents having sex. My dad saw me, but my mother didn't. It's made things weird at home. I feel like I should talk about it, but maybe I should just let it go. Will things get better if we just talk it out?

Nay, thou shouldst not speak of this again, especially to thine mother. I shalt be home shortly.

I can only get girls when I act like a total jerk. I hate it and feel bad later. What should I do?

Thou knowest it is a sin to mistreat thine brothers and sisters. So, I suppose what ye should do is prepare for a life of loneliness and solitude.

I cheated on my wife about a year back and she's still mad at me and absolutely refuses to have sex. Is there any way to get back in her good graces?

There is but one course of action, pray for a quick death, for ye have chosen to make thine life a living hell. Instead of sex, ye shall have no rest day or night.

In Your Pantaloons

Posted May 27, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your PantaloonsYou modern day Romeos and Juliets must needs temper your lust. I have come to provide all the temperance you'll need in a lifetime.

I've got this weird, sexual fetish and nothing else gets me aroused. I'm too ashamed to share it with anyone and have decided to be celibate the rest of my life. Is this a good idea?

At last, one who has an ear has heard! It is good always to be ashamed of thy most unbridled passions.

How does one please a woman?

I knowest not and frankly, that's not what this column is about.

I'm very well endowed. That's all. I'm just writing to let you know that I'm very well endowed.

Fie and for shame, thou sinful braggart! Be off to hell with your wicked divining rod.

In Your Pantaloons

Posted May 20, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your PantaloonsLet not your hearts nor loins be troubled. In Your Pantaloons has returned to resolve the love troubles that beset thee.

Things are getting boring with a capital "B" in the bedroom, so my hubby and I have decided to do a little roleplaying. Any suggestions?

I suggest ye play the role of a goodly, chaste wife instead of the strumpet thou so clearly art. How doth that suit thee?

This is embarrassing, so I'm just going to say it. I can't get it up!

Count thy blessings. Better to live a life of flaccidity, shame and self-loathing than to be led, protuberance first, into Hell by every scallawag and harlot that ye encounter.

I'm almost forty, lonely and I'm tired of searching for a good man. Who should I marry?

There is but one man for thee. Though I knowest him not intimately, I have heard the prophetic words of one Kid Rock who spake, "Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy." Surely, any man that speaketh in such a heavenly, yet undecipherable tongue as did the saints during Pentecost is righteous and holy.

In Your Pantaloons

Posted April 22, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your PantaloonsRather than be tossed about to and fro on the waves of lust and confusion, let reason and sound judgment be the ship that ferries thee across the seas of love. For thou knowest where truth and purity lies, In Your Pantaloons.

I know this sounds weird coming from a guy, but my girlfriend is pushing me to have sex and I'm not ready. Should I do it to make her happy?

Verily, I say unto thee, there is naught good about sexual congress, except procreation. Yet, even that is questionable. Better to burry those feelings as the farmer buries his seed in the ground. Moreover, burry not thy seed in the ground, if though knowest what I mean.

I've been watching the show and I've discovered that the Masking Fetish really turns me on. Thanks for introducing me to my new favorite pastime!

Tarry where thou art. Thou shalt soon see me on the horizon, full of vigor and carrying the tools of exorcism.

I want to know if sex in "the other place" will hurt, because I want to try it, but not if it's painful.

Must ye, like a breaking dam, have every hole filled? Sigh.

In Your Pantaloons

Posted April 15, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your PantaloonsNow, good gentlemen and chaste ladies, the time has come for your quandaries about the most private organ, the heart to be answered. Give ear, lest this permissive society sway you with its talk of premarital coupling and love with strange appendages. 

My girlfriend of five years is cheating on me. What should I do?

Any harlot that would violate the tenuous, yet sacred bonds of courtship should be burned at the stake. Report her grave misdeeds to the local constable and tell a priest immediately.

I got a rash "down there" after sex with a stranger and I don't know what to do about it. Help!

Worry not. A quick burning at the stake should heal whatever ails you. Your improper and indecent congress, with what was surely one of Lucifer's agents in disguise, has yielded sour fruit. It's time to burn that fruit in a pyre that will appease the vengeful wrath of the Lord of Hosts. Think about the divine fury that would beset your community otherwise.

Dear In Your Pantaloons, lately I've had a roving eye. I truly love my husband, but things have gotten boring and predictable. I don't want to step out on him, but I'm afraid if things don't pick up soon, I'm going to do something stupid to get some zest back into my life. I could use a little guidance. Sincerely, Sleepless in Andover.

Dear Sleepless, relationships are complex and often trying, this I know well. It is up to thee and thine partner to make things work. Otherwise, your marriage could fall apart and you could lose the one you truly love. I doth believe that a stake burning would solve all thine problems. Please, consult the local constable and a priest.

Many of the world's experts are brainstorming new ways to power our planet's exponentially growing need for electricity in the face of apparent climate change.

Some of these ideas such as attaching wind turbines to tall buildings have already been put in place and are fighting the good clean, green fight in saving money and resources. However, many of these ideas are completely impractical or just don't make economic sense. But if we're going to think outside the box as a race, let's really think outside the box. Let's burn the stupid box and cook with the fire.

Here now is our list of alternative alternative energy alternatives that we think could solve a lot of these problems without creating any new ones.

This week's edition of Green Tech; Personal Solutions.

Metal Beds

The Bed Mat
A thin layer of conductive metal is lain under the fitted sheet on a user's bed and wired to a central battery or spliced directly into the home's power station. When the user is in the bed, the heat created when sleeping or shifting in the bed is  conducted through the metal sheet and harnessed.
UPTAKE: According to our calculations, it would take 130,000 sleeping residents at an average of 8 hours of sleep a night for one week to power one average half of a duplex with no more than 900 sq. ft. for 30 seconds.
BONUS: Every time you have sex, your lights get brighter.

Read More »

Tags: Comedy

One of the best parts of this job is sitting in on the Around the Net morning meeting. As you already know, the people behind AOTS are a funny bunch of writers, producers and talent. What you may not know is, due to time constraints, not every great idea or funny line conceived by said group makes it to air.

In this new segment we're going to give you a little taste of what it's like to be surrounded by the genius staff of Attack of the Show. Enjoy these bits of out-of-context comedy, these Rants from the Morning Meeting.

"That's all symbolic of climax, right?"  [Long pause in the room followed by response] "It is if you want it to be."

"We got long hair, long tongue, no pants."

"We should have headphones that pee in your ears."

[Referring to hippos] "They're nature's a-holes."

"I thought the office porn had a little charm."

Read More »

Tags: Comedy

Get In On The 'Windows 7' Beta Action!

Posted January 9, 2009 - By r_pad

Update 6:59PM: As several readers have noticed, the Windows 7 beta has been delayed  due to heavy demand. Microsoft has not announced a new date for the beta. And also, Steve Ballmer's pants are now on fire.

Microsoft is making the beta version of Windows 7 available today to 2.5-million users. There are several things to keep in mind if you want to download and use the beta version of this upcoming operating system. Wired has put together some notes and reminders for potential users.

I know a few of you are already using the Windows 7 beta. If you're already a user or if you've installed the program today, I'd love to hear your impressions. TheFeed's excellent Brian Leahy has already posted his first impressions (which, despite what some ill-informed people think, is not the same as a review). Now let's get to those notes, courtesy of Wired!

Read More »

Tags: CES, Tech

For $8 you can use your iPhone to see if your friends and family are speaking the truth or telling lies.

The Agile Lie Detector uses voice stress analysis, a 3D spectrograph and a special lie meter to detect some serious, heavy duty brand of b.s.

So if you're going to tell you girlfriend no, she really doesn't look fat in that dress, you best better be telling the truth, or someone's going in the dog house.


Tags: Apple, iPhone, Tech

AOTS - December 2nd, 2008

Posted December 2, 2008 - By Mike D'Alonzo
If you're looking for a one-stop free online shop for all of your visual media needs, onetruemedia.com just might be it, especially if you're talking about photo slideshows, facebook app support, and on-demand DVD printing of your original productions.
Kevin's running for re-election and its important that the public know about his affinity for boobs and humping, hence this political ad where he rubs and humps things.
Ray Stevenson drops by the studio to talk to Kevin about last night's big Hollywood premiere of 'The Punisher: War Zone,' his take on comics, and what's up next for the guy who also starred in 'Rome,' the HBO series.
Should you find you need a small music player, for you or a special someone, with 8GB of storage, an FM tuner, and access to Rhapsody, all for under $99, you should check out our Gadget Pr0n review of the SanDisk 8GB Clip.
It's Tuesday,and that can only mean it's time to hear from our resident film expert, Chris Gore, who's going to give us his take on new releases 'Wanted,''Metalocalypse,' and 'Step Brothers.'
David Ewalt joins us from New York to talk about the recent court ruling against Lori Drew and the whole imbroglio involving the MySpace suicide of earlier this year. How will the ruling effect our ability to freely enjoy the internet, i.e. lie on it?
Layla returns to the Feed to deliver all the news you need to know, including info on a new Nokia smartphone due out in 2009, Yahoo's top searches for 2008, Battlestar Galactica's spinoff, and a rediscovered 3000 year-old stash of marijuana.
This edition of Around the Net gives us an exercise program gone wrong, some fiery tennis, bad times at work, computer lessons for seniors, and some Georgian groping.
Attack of the Show has all the tips you need when looking to slim down that gigantic bulge in your pants you call a wallet, starting with losing the discount cards but still being able to use them.
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