In Your Pants

Hold fast to thy convictions, let not thy passions rule thee and together, we shall overcome all the troubles that beset thee In Your Pantaloons.

My longtime girlfriend and I have saved ourselves for marriage. We're getting married next month and I don't really know what to do. I mean, I know what to do with my parts and her parts, but could you tell me what to do to make it good?

Thou must do only this, and its meaning will not be discerned by thee until the moment arrives, get down with thy bad self.

I cheated on my girlfriend with her sister. Now, every time my girl and I make love, I can't help but see her sister's face instead of hers. The guilt is driving me crazy. What should I do?

Get thee a blindfold. It will help thee avoid visions of thy lover's sister. However, it wilt not stop thee from seeing what a douche bag thou truly art.

What's the best way to approach a woman in a club?

Approach from the east.

Hipsters everywhere are probably peeing their pants in anticipation for Spike Jonze's Where The Wild Things Are film, based on the classic story by Maurice Sendak. And if tight jeans and American Apparel shirts weren't enough, these fans can now dress up as the lead character, Max, in this furry costume from Opening Ceremony.

Here's the problem. This exclusive furry bodysuit (with removable tail) costs $610. Yeah, really.

You see, Sendak's tale was about embracing the magic of childhood and individualism. Bad behavior doesn't necessarily lead to punishment; it also allows kids to use their creativity to the fullest.

Max doesn't play with expensive toys and he doesn't run away from a fancy lifestyle. Where The Wild Things Are is a simple tale about an angry boy with a large imagination.

So why would Opening Ceremony charge people over $600 to be like Max? 

We get it. It's a fancy hipster clothing line. But their overpriced Max-inspired designs completely miss the point behind Where The Wild Things Are. Max, according to them, is all about consumerism, label names and superficiality.

And that's why this costume is this week's Actual Great Moment in Devolution.

PS. If you see anyone lined up for a WTWTA screening wearing this, feel free to accidentally drop your soda all over their furry suit.

If thy neighbor's van is a rockin', please start knocking and save him from the sin of fornication. He might wound thee near fatally, but later he shall thank yee for keeping him chaste. Yes, that is how it shall be.

I've never been to a strip club, not for moral reasons or anything, but I've decided I'm finally going to go check one out. However, I don't want to look like a noob and get taken for everything in my wallet, so I want to know, what can I expect to pay?

Thou canst expect to pay dearly for thine iniquity... as well as a $10 entrance fee, $7 for drinks and $20 for dances.

In this world so filled with temptation, what's the best way to stay a virgin?

Get thee a Sega Genesis. Not only will it distract thee from lustful thoughts, but no woman shall come within a hundred yards of thee.

My boyfriend is always trying to get "in my pantaloons," but I feel it's inappropriate. How say you?

Thou art correct. Tell him that your pantaloons would not fit him and that he should mayhaps buy his own.

Ye might deny it, but ye have the plague. Verily, thou art plagued by lust and temptation at every moment. The only cure is an injection of temperance and purity. To be free, thou must allow said cure to course through thy body and spirit and ruminate In Your Pantaloons.

What makes you think you're fit to give sex advice? I've been reading your posts and you're uptight, old fashioned and puritanical to a fault.

Me thinks thou hast just answered thine own question.

My wife and I are fairly experimental and we're thinking about kicking things up a notch and doing a little swinging. Is that a bad idea?

Sir, thy wife should not be passed around like a collection basket at Sunday services. 

I still find my girlfriend of four years attractive, but when it comes to sex I need a little more help me in the bedroom and when I say "help," I mean adult films.

Did David need more than a stone to fell a giant? Nay. I wouldst suggest that ye find thy stones and discover a way to do thy husbandly duty in a pure fashion.

It was a series of random events that resulted in your creation. Furthermore, it was randomness that shaped who you are. Now, a series of random words will change your life forever, or at least give you a couple of laughs. 

"This is the beginning of the end right here."

"I guess I was kind of hoping that someone would be in those pants."

"I'll go "blam" when he does it."

"It's funny in my head."

"They hate fun."

"So, he's faking the fact that he's faking it now?"

"I don't care that he's evil, he's still amazing."

"He is like Hank Scorpio."

The temptations of the flesh are plentiful, yet purity is within thine grasp as long as ye show restraint In Your Pantaloons.

My new boyfriend just told me he's a furry. What should I do?

Must ye be told not to lie down with the beast of the field?

I can only have sex with the lights off. Is that weird?

Nay. Clearly, thou art wise and hath discovered that shame shalt protect thee like brass vestments and cover thee like sackcloth.

I'm thinking about introducing "toys" into the bedroom. I'm not sure my wife would enjoy them. What do you think?

Thou art a man, so put away childish things. What place hath a stuffed doll or plastic figurines in love making?

Though your loins boil, toil not in the ways of evil. There is another path and it doth lead away from your corrupt and lustful heart, past your gullet and ends finally In Your Pantaloons.

I'm only sexually excited by strippers. I can't date a normal girl. I don't even want to date really. I only like seeing midwestern runaways work the pole. Everyone keeps telling me I have a problem, but really, what's wrong with what I'm doing?

Lowly miscreant, some day ye shall be as financially bankrupt as thou art morally bankrupt. Hast thou never heard of the prodigal son? Did he not like to see runaways work the pole also? Learn from his folly.
 

My wife and I love role playing in the bedroom. I pretend to be all sorts of things like gladiators, cops and naughty doctors. I even dressed up as a space alien once. I'm starting to run out of ideas. Who do you think I should pretend to be next?

I think that ye should pretend to be a mentally healthy adult who can have coitus without the trappings of a small child who is fixated on fantasy worlds and imaginary figures. Thy role playing is a shame unto thee and thy wife.

I'm trying not to have sex until marriage, but is dry humping technically sex?

Is Purgatory technically Hell? No, but it's still no place thou should strive to be.