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In Your Pants

In Your Pantaloons 10.19.09

EMorton
Posted October 19, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your PantaloonsHold fast to thy convictions, let not thy passions rule thee and together, we shall overcome all the troubles that beset thee In Your Pantaloons.

My longtime girlfriend and I have saved ourselves for marriage. We're getting married next month and I don't really know what to do. I mean, I know what to do with my parts and her parts, but could you tell me what to do to make it good?

Thou must do only this, and its meaning will not be discerned by thee until the moment arrives, get down with thy bad self.

I cheated on my girlfriend with her sister. Now, every time my girl and I make love, I can't help but see her sister's face instead of hers. The guilt is driving me crazy. What should I do?

Get thee a blindfold. It will help thee avoid visions of thy lover's sister. However, it wilt not stop thee from seeing what a douche bag thou truly art.

What's the best way to approach a woman in a club?

Approach from the east.

Actual Great Moments in De-Evolution: Overpriced Max SuitHipsters everywhere are probably peeing their pants in anticipation for Spike Jonze's Where The Wild Things Are film, based on the classic story by Maurice Sendak. And if tight jeans and American Apparel shirts weren't enough, these fans can now dress up as the lead character, Max, in this furry costume from Opening Ceremony.

Here's the problem. This exclusive furry bodysuit (with removable tail) costs $610. Yeah, really.

You see, Sendak's tale was about embracing the magic of childhood and individualism. Bad behavior doesn't necessarily lead to punishment; it also allows kids to use their creativity to the fullest.

Max doesn't play with expensive toys and he doesn't run away from a fancy lifestyle. Where The Wild Things Are is a simple tale about an angry boy with a large imagination.

So why would Opening Ceremony charge people over $600 to be like Max? 

We get it. It's a fancy hipster clothing line. But their overpriced Max-inspired designs completely miss the point behind Where The Wild Things Are. Max, according to them, is all about consumerism, label names and superficiality.

And that's why this costume is this week's Actual Great Moment in Devolution.

PS. If you see anyone lined up for a WTWTA screening wearing this, feel free to accidentally drop your soda all over their furry suit.

Tags: Movies, Toys

AOTS Monday, September 28

EMorton
Posted September 28, 2009 - By Eugene Morton
On set or on location, Attack Of The Show brings you the deets on your favorite things to watch when you're not watching us.
Jessica Drew is back as Spider-Woman in a whole new form with Marvel's motion comic series. Check out the world premiere of their exclusive new music video featuring the arachnid superheroine.
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You look like you could use a massage. Of course, in this economy can you really afford such an extravagance? You're probably better off just letting ATN, with its videos showcasing a singer blindsided by a parachute, a man obsessed with poo pants, a crazy mayor and a twisted take on the Wizard of Oz melt away that tension in your shoulders and lower back.
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Sexpert Anna David is back on the streets of Los Angeles to get to the bottom of questions like the chances of knowing a girl up with the pull-out method, the reality of men and women's sexual primes and what girls say to each other about guys.
Special guests, hot movie coverage, on-location shoots and everything else that only a show like Attack of the Show can show.
There's no better city to host a scavenger hunt than the crazy product-filled Tokyo. Alison Haislip heads up the game to scrounge up weird flavored candy and anime porn in the bright capital of Japan. Sadly, no used underwear vending machines were found.
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Explosions and pyrotechnics are more than just awesome booms and pretty colors. Learn about how thermite reactions work from mixing aluminum with rust to create the fiery outbursts you see in action movies and rock shows.
Resident Evil...
Laptops come thin and light, but Chris Hardwick and Alison Haislip find out if they can be even affordable like the Acer Timeline notebook that weighs only 3.5lbs and comes with 8 hours of battery life and 4 gigs of RAM, all for $550.
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Blair Herter kicks off this week's news feeding with stories on Apple's daily 6.6 million downloads of apps, the world's first USB 3.0 hard drive from Freecom, and more.
Special guests, hot movie coverage, on-location shoots and everything else that only a show like Attack of the Show can show.
Comedian Doug Benson joins Chris Hardwick to talk about his new Medical Marijuana tour where he and his friends will attempt to perform in all 13 states that have legalized medical pot with plenty of snack breaks in between.
On set or on location, Attack Of The Show brings you the deets on your favorite things to watch when you're not watching us.
The UNSC and the Covenant venture away from your Xbox and into the world of animation with this trailer for the new Halo anime anthology. Master Chief has never looked this good or adorable.

In Your Pantaloons 09.28.09

EMorton
Posted September 28, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your Pantaloons 09.28.09If thy neighbor's van is a rockin', please start knocking and save him from the sin of fornication. He might wound thee near fatally, but later he shall thank yee for keeping him chaste. Yes, that is how it shall be.

I've never been to a strip club, not for moral reasons or anything, but I've decided I'm finally going to go check one out. However, I don't want to look like a noob and get taken for everything in my wallet, so I want to know, what can I expect to pay?

Thou canst expect to pay dearly for thine iniquity... as well as a $10 entrance fee, $7 for drinks and $20 for dances.

In this world so filled with temptation, what's the best way to stay a virgin?

Get thee a Sega Genesis. Not only will it distract thee from lustful thoughts, but no woman shall come within a hundred yards of thee.

My boyfriend is always trying to get "in my pantaloons," but I feel it's inappropriate. How say you?

Thou art correct. Tell him that your pantaloons would not fit him and that he should mayhaps buy his own.

AOTS Thursday, August 20

EMorton
Posted August 20, 2009 - By Eugene Morton
On set or on location, Attack Of The Show brings you the deets on your favorite things to watch when you're not watching us.
Chris Gore visits Nazi-occupied France during World War II to sit down with director Quentin Tarantino and the cast of his Inglourious Basterds.
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Alison Haislip brings us the Thursday news feeding with stories on the “Tweet” trademark, San Francisco opening its city data for online use, the ‘Yellow Submarine’ remake and more.
Special guests, hot movie coverage, on-location shoots and everything else that only a show like Attack of the Show can show.
Adam Jay joins Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn as they put Doc Bottoms' Aspray to the ultimate test on a sumo champion. Will this infomercial product live up to its stink-absorbing hype on these hairy armpits? Find out for yourself.
Resident Evil...
Chris Hardwick and Olivia Munn explore yet another Blu-ray player: the Sony BDP-S360 where you can watch even standard DVDs in 1080p, a quick start mode, BD Live content and more for only $200.
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Normally ATN is all about what's funny on the web, but today we've decided to focus on what's weird and disturbing, like winking pants, idiot airbag tests, drunks who dance on glass and murderous little monsters.
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With the release of Avatar's teaser trailer, the public opinion has ranged from excitement to disappointment. Kevin Pereira talks to Patrick Sauriol from Corona Coming Attractions on whether or not James Cameron's latest project can live up to its hype or could flop in the box office.
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Sexpert Anna David hits the streets once again to answer all those questions you've never figured out, like what to say to a girl the morning after, finding a good dating age range and how much cash you should drop at a strip club.
Attack Of The Show knows what you like, what makes you laugh, and has an exhaustive list of your private information that includes your PIN numbers.
Ever suffered from an embarrassing and painful crash after dancing drunk on a glass tabletop? Look no further than amateur attorney Kevin Pereira to see how YOU can profit from your drunken antics.

In Your Pantaloons 08.19.09

EMorton
Posted August 19, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your Pantaloons 08.19.09Ye might deny it, but ye have the plague. Verily, thou art plagued by lust and temptation at every moment. The only cure is an injection of temperance and purity. To be free, thou must allow said cure to course through thy body and spirit and ruminate In Your Pantaloons.

What makes you think you're fit to give sex advice? I've been reading your posts and you're uptight, old fashioned and puritanical to a fault.

Me thinks thou hast just answered thine own question.

My wife and I are fairly experimental and we're thinking about kicking things up a notch and doing a little swinging. Is that a bad idea?

Sir, thy wife should not be passed around like a collection basket at Sunday services. 

I still find my girlfriend of four years attractive, but when it comes to sex I need a little more help me in the bedroom and when I say "help," I mean adult films.

Did David need more than a stone to fell a giant? Nay. I wouldst suggest that ye find thy stones and discover a way to do thy husbandly duty in a pure fashion.

It was a series of random events that resulted in your creation. Furthermore, it was randomness that shaped who you are. Now, a series of random words will change your life forever, or at least give you a couple of laughs. 

"This is the beginning of the end right here."

"I guess I was kind of hoping that someone would be in those pants."

"I'll go "blam" when he does it."

"It's funny in my head."

"They hate fun."

"So, he's faking the fact that he's faking it now?"

"I don't care that he's evil, he's still amazing."

"He is like Hank Scorpio."

Tags: Comedy

In Your Pantaloons 07.29.08

EMorton
Posted July 29, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

The temptations of the flesh are plentiful, yet purity is within thine grasp as long as ye show restraint In Your Pantaloons.

In Your Pantaloons 07.29.08My new boyfriend just told me he's a furry. What should I do?

Must ye be told not to lie down with the beast of the field?

I can only have sex with the lights off. Is that weird?

Nay. Clearly, thou art wise and hath discovered that shame shalt protect thee like brass vestments and cover thee like sackcloth.

I'm thinking about introducing "toys" into the bedroom. I'm not sure my wife would enjoy them. What do you think?

Thou art a man, so put away childish things. What place hath a stuffed doll or plastic figurines in love making?

In Your Pantaloons

EMorton
Posted July 15, 2009 - By Eugene Morton

In Your PantaloonsThough your loins boil, toil not in the ways of evil. There is another path and it doth lead away from your corrupt and lustful heart, past your gullet and ends finally In Your Pantaloons.

I'm only sexually excited by strippers. I can't date a normal girl. I don't even want to date really. I only like seeing midwestern runaways work the pole. Everyone keeps telling me I have a problem, but really, what's wrong with what I'm doing?

Lowly miscreant, some day ye shall be as financially bankrupt as thou art morally bankrupt. Hast thou never heard of the prodigal son? Did he not like to see runaways work the pole also? Learn from his folly.
 

My wife and I love role playing in the bedroom. I pretend to be all sorts of things like gladiators, cops and naughty doctors. I even dressed up as a space alien once. I'm starting to run out of ideas. Who do you think I should pretend to be next?

I think that ye should pretend to be a mentally healthy adult who can have coitus without the trappings of a small child who is fixated on fantasy worlds and imaginary figures. Thy role playing is a shame unto thee and thy wife.

 

I'm trying not to have sex until marriage, but is dry humping technically sex?

Is Purgatory technically Hell? No, but it's still no place thou should strive to be.

AOTS Tuesday, June 30

EMorton
Posted June 30, 2009 - By Eugene Morton
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Alison Haislip brings the Tuesday feeding with news about faction changes coming to World of Warcraft, Pirate Bay selling for over $7 million, China's ban on gold farming and more.
Resident Evil...
Chris Hardwick reviews the Livio Radio digital audio receiver that brings the free Internet radio like Pandora off the computer speakers and to your house.
On set or on location, Attack Of The Show brings you the deets on your favorite things to watch when you're not watching us.
Kristin Adams talks to Johnny Depp and Christian Bale about playing notorious American gangsters in their new film, Public Enemies.
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Film expert Chris Gore thinks East for this week's DVD reviews, with the action packed Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, the indie shorts in Tokyo and the hilarious first season of Eastbound and Down.
Resident Evil...
Our Quick Hit review covers the fun and fantastic Monster Pinball game for your iPhone.
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It's written that man cannot live on bread alone. Some people happen to believe that man (and woman) also need a healthy dose of videos with angry couples throwing beer, upwardly mobile ducks, rappers who love stretchy pants and outspoken fitness moguls and you can only find that stuff Around the Net.
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Don't dread those annoying romantic comedies anymore! Olivia Munn is here to help answer the questions that arise every time your girlfriend forces you to watch chick flicks on a Saturday night.
Attack Of The Show knows what you like, what makes you laugh, and has an exhaustive list of your private information that includes your PIN numbers.
Kevin Pereira debuts his crazy new invention that can read the running internal monologues of people in our Around The Net videos.
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