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Food and Drink

Uh, Is That Free Range Dog?

Baxter
Posted June 13, 2012 - By Joseph Baxter

Uh, Is That Free Range Dog?

If you're going to go through the trouble of raising a dog ready for cooking, you should at least have enough respect for the animal to buy the very best specially-made convection oven for the job.

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It Could Be Worth A Gamble

Baxter
Posted June 12, 2012 - By Joseph Baxter

It Could Be Worth A Gamble

My theory is that "mystery can" systems like the one implemented here are the sole reason that V8 still exists.

Of course, there still could be a need to blow out the remaining cans of "Burping Guru Curry Soda," which failed to make a foothold in North America...and India...and anywhere.

[Source]

They Must Have A Great Pu Pu Platter

"Come for our world famous bathroom facilities, stay for the dim sum carts.

Of course, if you're ordering à la carte, do try the number two."

[Source]

Open The Linguini Valve!

Baxter
Posted June 11, 2012 - By Joseph Baxter

Open The Linguini Valve!

Sure, you could just go to some place like Olive Garden and get your pasta served in some pretentious presentation that requires..."plates."

However, at this place, they strap you into your chair, hold your mouth open with a speculum, while a team of pasta technicians blast all the noodly goodness down where it needs to go, washed down with a few gallons of the house wine.

[Source]

Ice Cream Men Go To War

Baxter
Posted June 11, 2012 - By Joseph Baxter

These Not So Good Humor Men appear to be taking the fight directly to each other.

When it comes to ice cream men, usually the squabbles are over territory.

Start schilling rocket pops and chocolate-covered Mickey Mouse heads with M&M eyes in the wrong neighborhoods and you're likely to end up like a two-pack of popsicles: Laid on a counter and broken in two.

"That taste...it's like an explosion of sassafras and happiness in my mouth!

I think I like it...quite a bit, actually. Why, I'm so excited about this, I don't know how to externalize it, so I'll just do this seizure-like laugh.

I hope you won't judge."

You'll Need A Pipe For This Shrimp

At long last, the mind-bending mega-jolt of crack and the deliciousness of seafood has come together for a new product that will leave you licking the delicious shrimpy residue off your lips while knocking off liquor stores at 5 AM.

[Source]

Being stuck on a desert island would suck enough, but being stuck with a closet cannibal probably ranks worse on the meter of "suck." Plus, but the aroma of sea water may as well substitute as bath salts.

Put it all together and you get face bacon. (Albeit without fava beans and a nice Chianti to help wash it down.)

This Beef Used To Cluck

Baxter
Posted June 7, 2012 - By Joseph Baxter

This Beef Used To Cluck

Exciting things are happening at Doctor Moreau's "Chicken" Shack.

It's good to know that fast food is watching out for your health with measures like making the beef entrées entirely from all white meat chicken.

It's the perfect thing to complement a chicken sandwich that's skillfully made from horse meat.

[Source]

Who Can Resist Free Gum?

Baxter
Posted June 6, 2012 - By Joseph Baxter

Who Can Resist Free Gum?

Just when you think times are tough and you just can't get a break, you find a chewy, minty, miracle with a slight hint of ammonia and other guys' pubic hair waiting for you.

[Source]

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