Cars

In Russia, a little drama called Rise of the Planet of the Tires is happening in real life.

Ever since the Michelin Man went rogue and turned against the auto industry, he's been leading a steadily-growing worldwide insurrection.

These tread-heads are sick and tired of being stuck to cars, gripping oily roads, and hitting potholes.

"Shut up! I am NOT going inside to ask for directions because we are NOT lost!

We're going to just stay parked here while I take a look at this map because I have no f**king clue where we are.

Now, does THAT sound like we're lost?"

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If you were to imagine what happens when a motorcycle rear-ends a parked car at 70 mph, most likely, you'd think of something like this.

However, in spite of being violently thrown from the bike and spun in the air like a rag doll, this victim of real-life Grand Theft Auto physics lives to tell the tale.

There's some hidden body armor around the corner behind the yellow building, so once he grabs that, he's good till the next save.

Why bother with a tow truck in Russia when bears are plentiful and always willing to help jam a stalled car into a towing van?

Sure, your car ends up becoming property of the government, but you do get a 50 ruble vodka voucher, thanks to their "Drunker for Clunkers" program.

This is what happens when you call shotgun on behalf of your groceries and there's no room anywhere else in the car for the wife to sit.

It looks like she might at least be part-Terminator, considering the way she's punching that windshield.

"Ah, f**k it, anyway. I've got a meeting, I'm just going to run the rest of the way there. It'll help burn off that massive breakfast burrito I had this morning."

Readers Take Note: If you're ever unfortunate enough to find yourself in an accident leaving your car flipped on the street, this is the proper method of escaping the car and walking away as smooth as possible. Anything else, is morally wrong.

You know what they say about car dent wizardry: There's always someone that knows more.

In this case, it happens to be the Dent Wizard's main local competitor, the Sideswipe Sorcerer.

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Why spend your hard-earned money from the novelty Lenin bobblehead factory on fixing the hood of your car? You've got four perfectly good side windows out of which to stick your head and drive like you have a convertible.

Getting car hoods fixed is for OCD cases that like to impress their fancy friends with "full visibility." Please...

"Body shop? That's for fancy people who insist that their cars be "within safety standards," or "not smashed" and "sealed from the rain."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I got six kids to take to school and I need time to pry them out with the jaws of life."

The heavily-anticipated first trailer for Skyfall has finally hit.

Indeed, the action-packed preview is proof that even the financial collapse of MGM studio could not stop James Bond from grabbing a shaken vodka martini, picking up a hot babe, and exploding the world once again.

While other than telling us that the word, "Skyfall" really pisses James off, the trailer doesn't exactly clue us in to any significant plot details. It is, however, a montage of Daniel Craig's darker, tortured James Bond doing a lot of cool stuff, including crashing a subway car in the only way that makes sense.

Check it out below and see if you can come up with bad puns for the countless bad guys he wastes.

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