"We've gone ahead and conjured-up your perfect girl. Don't let looks deceive you, she also has an irritating personality.
That probably says more about you than anything, but hey, what do you want from an ad on a freaking train?"
On tonight's Attack of the Show, Michael Kosta and Candace Bailey welcome Star Trek's and Internet favorite George Takei in studio, the coolest concept cars from the 2012 LA Auto Show, and Eric Andre from Don't Trust The B--- In Apt 23. Plus, Chris Gore reviews The Dark Knight Rises and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic for DVDuesday. Tune in tonight 7/6c.
"Man, chilling in this aquarium is exhausting.
It's bad enough being stuck here, but those humans staring at us on the outside keep yawning, which is causing a virulent chain reaction of yawns that will infect us for minutes to come.
Now, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my shell playing DS."
This cab company got tired employing the same well-behaved cab drivers who passively allow themselves to be stiffed and carjacked on a regular basis, so they changed their hiring approach.
Now, the only references they'll even consider looking at will come from the county lockup or a beaten-up probation officer.
Despite spending an intense evening of chasing its own tail, this Russian farmer dog still manages to be up before the cock's crow to hit the fields and crank out some crops.
By the time slobs like us are finally up and about, this dog has already made its rounds, fed the livestock, and distilled an entire case worth of its own brand of bacon-flavored vodka for dogs.
During Roll Call this morning, he learned of an APB put out for the Jack of Diamonds.
He took on this duty after being promoted from the Minesweeper beat. Now, he walks a more aesthetically pleasing, but deceptively dangerous path on which he is constantly forced to draw...three cards.
America can rest assured that leaving defense of the Middle East in the hands of rocket scientists like these guys will work out perfectly fine. -- As long as the terrorists stand 10 feet away and suffer from scoliosis and bowleggedness.
That being said, one thing you can't take away from these guys is their ability to make lemonade out of lemons. -- Lemonade that tastes like abysmal failure.
Sure, it may be the case that this woman's delusions allow her to continue believing that she's a size 5.
But, then again, it may just be the case that those little piggies are making a necessary escape from their tight prison, ready to scream "wee wee wee" all the way home.
"They always tell me to hold my breath. Yeah, my ass! Why don't they try holding their breaths when they're flying into everything like a giant jumping bean.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done. I'll be heading out to the busy intersection a few blocks down. Just make sure someone scrapes me off the road."
By going out and walking on the same ground as your dog, you're essentially lowering yourself to its level.
Don't be so submissive. Show that coddled canine that you're literally higher on the chain by tackling your daily walks Airwolf style.
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