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Gene Unyons

Hey Unyonites! It's Thursday, the internet's juiced, and I'm in my underwear. That can only mean one thing - It's time for me to run you through this weekend's movie releases, many (all) of which I will not be able (willing) to see due to circumstances beyond my control (fear of the sun and noses.) Grab some Funyons! I'm Gene Unyons!

Adventureland

Adventureland
Oh man, the SNL guy who gets into character by putting on a mustache and that SNL girl who's really funny, and is that Michael Cera or just somebody that kind of looked like him? How many times did the director say, "Alright, people, let's go again, and Curly, I like what you're doing, but give me more Cera."  People die at carnivals all the time.
- 7 Maids A-Milking

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Gene Unyons's Weekly Movie Reviews

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Posted March 26, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hello, and welcome to the end of March, Unyonites! It's Thursday again, which means that there are movies coming to places I will never go, the movie theater! So, sit back, grab some carbs, and get ready to nom nom nom up these delicious movie reviews, or else I will have to eat them myself, and Atkins will not allow that. Also, it's hard to eat movie reviews, because they are intangible, unlike food or paper, which are both three-dimensional and tasty. Here we go!

Gene Unyons's Weekly Movie Reviews

12 Rounds - This has that guy from the wrestling in it. I was never into wrestling, myself, but ma loves it. She used to sit around on Saturday mornings with her cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and watch Haystacks Calhoun and Big Dumb Steve (not actually his name, but what she called him) run into each other and throw their arms, which she used to call "soup bones" at each other. And then she would fall asleep, and if I was very quiet, I would be able to change the channel, but if she caught me, it was three days in the hole. It's hot in the hole. - Twist of Lime

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Gene Unyons's Weekly Movie Reviews

geneunyons
Posted March 19, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hey all! It's time for another round of movie reviews and the B.O. is smokin' this weekend and I'm not talking about your armpit! ZING! Nothing interesting is happening in the world right now, so you might as well see a movie. Which movie should you see? Well check out my award winning reviews below to figure out which one is right for you to see alone! Because that's the best way to see a movie...by yourself! At least, that's what my mom says.

 

Gene Unyons's Weekly Movie Reviews

Duplicity - Gene Unyons isn't anyone's fool, that's why Gene Unyons lives in a duplex. Living in a duplex is the way to go, if you ask Gene Unyons because it's like two-two-two-houses in one! Gene Unyons who lives in a duplex has also taken to talking about himself in the third person. Gene Unyons who lives in a duplex also hopes that Duplicity is about a guy named Gene Unyons who lives in a duplex. It probably isn't. - 4 Pieces of Salt Water Taffy.

 

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Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

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Posted March 12, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hey, everyone! Friday the 13th is on us once again, like a deja vu from last month, so prepare to be cursed for yet another day. I will celebrate by hiding under my bed and rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot until it is time for my medication. But that won't stop you from going out into the world and watching some movies that are coming out this week! And, though I will not see them with you, near you, or in the same space-time continuum as you, it doesn't mean that I can't review them. And so I shall.

 Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

The Last House on the Left - This mostly-blue film seems to center on the struggle of two families to beat the hell out of each other until everyone dies. From the commercials, it seems like it's lit like a horror movie, which I know the original one was, but it might just be a regular old thriller. However, I don't see my names on enough movie posters, so I'm going to provide a pull quote for this one. The Last House on the left is breathtaking. A laugh-a-minute thrill ride that puts viewers on the seat of their pants. Fantastic. - .0000028

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Gene Unyons Movie Reviews; Watchmen

Watchmen - Ok, I've seen all the ads about this movie, and I still don't have the slightest idea what it's about. There's Blue Guy, who seems to be all blue and sad, and then the guy who looks like Batman, and Wine Stain, who looks like he has a weird stain on his face. And there's Hot Girl, who kicks really slowly. And I think Smashing Pumpkins might have something to do with it, so I can only imagine that it takes place in the 90's.

Also, there's a lot of explosions in the movie, so I'm wondering if they all have to unite to help defeat Mr. Explosion, or Blast Boy, or some other stuff like that. Also, everything in the movie looks shiny, which is nice. I bet it's a really shiny movie. Other than that, I literally have no idea. - Six Grapes From a Bunch

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Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

geneunyons
Posted February 26, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hey, look out behind you! Here comes Thursday! Don't worry. I'm just kidding. There's nothing behind you except for the back of your chair or whatever's behind you. I'm Gene Unyons, and it's time for my weekly movie reviews, talking about the movies that are coming out this week that I'm not likely to ever see! So, grab some carbs, it's movie time!

 Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews; Jonas Brothers 3d

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Experience - It's 3D! It's an experience! It's the Jonas Brothers! Curly, Jackets, and the Other One hit the stage and perform their hit songs, and it's going to scare the crap out of you! Watch as they move toward the front of the stage (screen?) and attempt to assault you with their special brand of pop cutlery, not caring how many tween bodies they leave in their wholesome, married-to-God wake! It's going to be a bloodbath...of pop!

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Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

geneunyons
Posted February 19, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hello again, everyone! If it's Thursday, it must be Gene, right? Right! That's why I'm here once again to give you the heads-up on the movies coming out this coming weekend, though I can tell you for sure that I will never see any of them. Over the long weekend, I made an advent calendar out of the presidents, and I've been spending my days opening and closing John Tyler's door, just to see his face. I feel a certain kinship to him, as he died of eating cherries and drinking milk too quickly, and had a heart attack for his trouble. I love cherries!

On to the reviews!

Fired Up! - I don't know what these people are all fired up about, but it's not good to get so excited about things. Why not learn to relax a little bit? Perhaps that's what this movie is ultimately about. I like to think it's set in some dreamy, exotic place, where people learn to deal with their aggression in a healthy way, and come to some understanding about human nature. Then, there is some sort of beach Olympiad, where they are forced to come together and compete in fun, seaside sports, to learn about being part of a team. I think I would like that movie very much.  - 64 Piece Crayola Box

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail - The only Madea I can think of is the one in Greek tragedy, which I also haven't read, so this must be some sort of grand tragedy. A tearjerker, if you will. It's Oscar season, so I'm pretty sure that this is just some attempt to try and garner some buzz leading up to the ceremony this weekend. I'm not sure if it's too late or not to be able to slot itself into the Awards, but it looks like they're really going to try. - Lieutenant

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Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

geneunyons
Posted February 12, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Hey, everyone! Gene Unyons here again, I hope you know more about me than you did before, since they were kind enough to finally introduce me to you via my press announcement. I'm here with another week's worth of upcoming movies that I'm not ever going to see, but you probably will. So, here come the reviews.

Confessions of a Shopaholic - I read somewhere recently that a real shopaholic was killed when her huge pile of clothes fell on her and smothered her to death. We can only hope that this movie is about that event. Borat's wife stars as a shopaholic who meets a guy that's into clothes but isn't gay, which is only slightly like being into being constantly berated by a family member without being a masochist. I bet there are lots and lots of shoes in this movie, which makes it like a John Fleuvog ad from the late 1990's. - Three buckets.

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Please Welcome Gene Unyons To AOTB!

mdalonzo
Posted February 12, 2009 - By Mike D'Alonzo

We would like to introduce you to our newest writer on Attack of the Blog, Gene Unyons, who will be reviewing movies for us every week on the day before they come out. Gene is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire, where he double-majored in Native American Literature and Kinesthesiology, taking 14 years to complete his BFA. After getting out of college, he interned under his father, Jack Unyons, at WEAU-13, where Jack was a meteorologist.

Gene found his calling one Thursday morning while thumbing through Roger Ebert's Movie Yearbook for 1997, and decided he wanted to be a film reviewer. Though he's a confirmed agoraphobic, who rarely leaves the house, save for religious ceremonies and his weekly foray to the Farmer's Market, Gene has a keen sense of film, related to the media he's seen about the movie before its release. In short, he is perfect for Attack of the Blog.

'Gene Unyons is a warm body with a computer that works,' says Josh Krane, Senior Vice President of Interactive Services, 'this, in itself, separated him from many of the other applicants for the job. Also, he's willing to work for copies of his work, which are immediately available on the internet. We look forward to a long and fruitful relationship.'

Gene will be reviewing the newest films each week, without seeing them. We trust his encyclopedic knowledge of the limited number of films he's seen, plus his self-proclaimed standing as a pop culture watchdog, to guide him correctly.

So, please help us in welcoming Gene Unyons to the AOTB team!

Check out Gene's reviews from last week.

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Gene Unyons' Weekly Movie Reviews

geneunyons
Posted February 5, 2009 - By Gene Unyons

Oh, what a week for movies, movie fans. Gene Unyons here, back with another look at the movies that are coming out this weekend. I have a bris to go to on Sunday, so I'm going to have to spend all day Friday and Saturday getting ready. I'm sure you understand. But, just because I will never, ever see any of these movies doesn't mean I can't give my review. So, here we go!

Also, I am sad this week, as one of my fourteen cats, Mr. Prissybrits, passed away due to a wound he sustained during the Korean Conflict. I think 13 cats is an unlucky number, so I am having another one delivered! Cross your fingers, everyone! 

Push - I thought this movie already came out, didn't it? I'm confused. Wasn't this the one with Angelina Jolie and the little guy who played Mr. Tumnus in that movie with Forrest Whitaker and Edi Amin? I'm sure of it. So, in this one, there's a guy who can do certain things with his mind, and other people who either like that he can do those things or they don't. My bet is that someone important dies to teach a lesson about pride vs. omnipotence, or some such. Either way, that Dakota Fanning is sure growing up quick, isn't she? - out of 5

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