Ah yes, it’s Valentine’s Day once again. There’s the sweet scent of blossoming love in the air. Everywhere I look I see boxes of assorted chocolates filled almost entirely with inedible combinations of chocolate and “filling”. I see red and pink stuffed animals with hearts all over them. I see commercials for diamond jewelry. And it all makes me want to vomit.
Seriously, public displays of affection are by far the most sickening things one can witness. I know that many of G4’s viewers, both online and on-air, have never and probably will never kiss anyone outside of their immediate family, but please, if by some miracle you ever do, keep it to yourself. Imagine it’s like that Hilary Duff poster you have up in your room that you kiss every night before going to bed. You wouldn’t want anyone to see that, would you?
Now since so many of you are unpracticed in the ways of wooing and romance, please allow me to answer some of your absolute dumbest questions and comments from e-mails and the G4 Message Boards in order to get you up on the same level with your standard rock or chunk of driftwood.
| Are there any Girl gamers and anime lovers out there
- Robert Robert, Robert, Robert. You’re going about this all wrong. Of course there are women out there, young and old, who love video games and anime. They’re called nerds, and there’s nothing sadder than seeing a pair of nerds walking hand-in-hand dressed as some obscure Japanese cartoon characters. Dating a girl like that, a.k.a. a “nerd-femme” or my favorite, “frag hag”, is not the way to go. Just think of the potential heartbreaks! Think of the fights over the PS2 when you want to play Xenosaga and she wants to play Final Fantasy X-2! Think of the tears shed after bitter words exchanged over which of you deserves to dress like Sailor Moon at the next convention! Save yourself the pain and anguish by trying to find a normal girl who doesn’t have a bigger Japanese action figure collection than you do. Believe me, your future children will thank me for this advice. |
| …You make it sound like men and women gamers mostly like the same games, but I think the truth is that most men and most women fit neatly into the common stereotypes. I think if you pulled a random female gamer and a random male gamer off the street and asked them what kind of games they like, the man would probably say fighters, action games, sports, etc and the average female gamer would say puzzle games, MMORPGs, cute games, and so on. The girls who like fighter games and the men who like The Sims are flukes, not the other way around.
- collet Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Nerds come in all colors with all kinds of likes and dislikes. The only things they universally dislike are things that will make them popular or attractive. But who am I to talk? I’m sure with your snarky attitude about how people fit into neat stereotypes you know all about not being either of those two things. By the way, MMORPGs are still sausage-fests. |
| Looking at the people in the forum I'm starting to notice the rise in female gamers; myself, gamer122, etc. I feel the wind of change comming...
- Ravenblue No! Don’t let them suck you into their world! Liking video games is bad enough, but joining their message board? Turn away now while you still can! Your mere presence only serves to encourage them! Don’t you live near a Nordstrom or anything? |
| I would like to thank you for your column on viewer e-mail. I haven't had the opportunity to laugh at someone else's expense that hard in a long time. Please continue to bash the stupid people of the gaming world. I look forward to your next piece.
- Pat Finally someone with some intelligence writes in! Finally someone who understands what I’m going through! You, Pat, are a ray of sunshine in my otherwise dark and dismal world. Perhaps this Valentine’s Day thing isn’t quite so sickening after all… |
On second though, yes, it definitely is. I suppose I’ll have to be cheered up by the knowledge that none of you losers will have dates, either. So I guess I’ll see you on Xbox Live, or for the ladies out there, maybe World of Warcraft. My buddy collet says you’ll be there—liking “social” games is apparently embedded in that extra X chromosome.
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