Gamer's Guide to Girls: Sexy Secrets of Superheroes

By - Posted Jan 31, 2005

Ever feel like you need a little guidance when it comes to girls? Then check out these do's and don'ts from your favorite superheroes on how to land your very own Lois Lane.

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Don't: Lie about who you really are.

Superman 64

Clark Kent kept his Superman identity from Lois Lane for the same reason Peter Parker hid his life as Spider-Man from Mary Jane: to "protect" her. Each felt strongly that he couldn't jeopardize the one he loved by sharing with her the dark world of fighting crime.

But did you ever notice that all these superheroes always end up alone and brooding?

Besides, unless you've got a history of having your girlfriends murdered by bad guys, the only thing you're risking by showing off your true personality is rejection by a girl who's not right for you anyway.

Do: Show her your inner geek.

Peter Parker

Peter Parker was a science student, Clark Kent was an investigative journalist, and Bruce Wayne was a gear and gadget guy.

But rather than hiding their brains behind their brawn, these heroes made geek chic.

Heck, Batman didn't even have any super powers--he was a totally normal human who relied upon his brilliant tactical skills and an arsenal of gadgets.

So go ahead and show off your insane knowledge of biomechanical astronuclear physics. You'll probably get the girl-- and you just might save the world.

Sense

Do: Use your superhero senses

spiderman

No, this isn't another be-sensitive-to-her-needs lecture. (Although, would it kill you to just give her a hug when she needs it rather than trying to "fix" all her problems?)

The type of sensitivity I'm talking about here is more along the lines of Peter Parker's Spidey-Sense.

Pay attention to what's going on with her. Remember the details of what makes her happy and what doesn't. Listen when she talks about... well, anything. Just listen.

No, really, it's that easy. In almost every conversation, your girl is giving you clues for how to make her happy. If you rely on your senses and pay attention, in no time you'll be Super Boyfriend.

Don't: Use superhero fashion sense

batman dude

I hope I don't need to say this, but I will so that there's absolutely no confusion on this issue: no man should ever wear spandex. Not when you're working out. Not when you're biking the Tour de France. Not even on Halloween.

That being said, I can understand why superheroes appreciate spandex for its comfort and durability. But come on, they can save the world from domination on a daily basis, yet can't find a fabric that will keep their privates private?

Almost as disturbing is what these guys wear when they're not disguised. Well, except for that dashing Bruce Wayne. Mmmmm.

Safeguard

Don't: Treat her like she needs to be taken care of

Batman

Not all women are helpless females waiting to be rescued--those are just the ones in comic books...and reality shows.

If you've got delusions of slaying dragons for your beloved, you better stick to your Super Mario Bros.

Women today don't want you to save them, they want you to share with them. For many of you, that may be even more scary than facing a dragon, but if you want a real relationship with a real girl, you're gonna have find the super strength to do it.

Do: Treat her with care and respect

Superman and Lois

Women are not fragile, but they're also not toys to be kicked around.

Anytime we enter a romantic relationship, we make ourselves vulnerable to the other person. Just like Superman has a duty to not abuse his powers, you should always be aware of your ability to hurt your girl through insensitivity, disrespect, or neglect.

And never forget that real girls are way smarter than those comic book chicks who constantly fall for dumb disguises and cockamamie cover stories. Don't lie to your girl, even if you think it's "for her own good." Real heroes know the truth is their greatest weapon.