Video games have been around for over a quarter century now and have grown from a teen sensation and nerd niche to part of the cultural landscape, engrossing adults and children alike. One of the most recognizable and often essential elements of both arcade and home gaming systems is the joystick. Most folks can’t tell you how a video game works, but they know if they see a joystick, it’s a dang video game!

Of course, joysticks have evolved over the years as technology has advanced, Atari's Tank arcade classic to the Atari 2600 re-interpretation known as Combat to the high-octane PC updates and into the world of GameCubes and Xboxes, not to mention offshoots like the wheel, the paddle, and of course, the big honkin’ gun. Yet with each year of advancements and achievements comes a motley crew of stinker sticks, goofy grips and puffery pads. Try as they might to catch up to our insane imaginations (and I mean us, the consumer), game system makers always seem to churn out plenty of near-misses in their quest for the ultimate stick of joy.

So here is a list of some joysticks misfires from over the years. Keep in mind, of course, that we do not damn the makers of said silly sticks for their attempts to challenge and please us, we are simply pointing out some of the foibles and foul-ups in the ongoing quest for the perfect gaming stick. En-joy!

PC Commander Plus joystick with Turbo
Holy mackerel! This mammoth tower of handheld doom features a mighty big stick and a mighty small base (he he!). How the heck ware you supposed to move this thing without tipping it over? If you hold the base in your hands, it’s way too awkward. If you set it down on your desk, it tips as soon as you start rockin’ it.  The buttons on top seem like they are perfectly placed, but in reality it is hard to balance this thing, maneuver it and hit the buttons at the same time. If it were mounted to a tabletop game, it would rock, but as it is, to quote the great Cheech Marin in Up In Smoke, “Toooo much!”

Turbo Stick joystick for Turbo Grafx-16 game system
Nintendo rivals NEC launched Turbo Grafx-16 in America in 1989. The 16-bit system sold well initially but was soon dwarfed by the tidal wave that was Sega Genesis. But one reason it faded so quickly had to be the so-so controller, the Freudian-sounding Turbo Stick. This thing just had too many control options thrown into one lil’ ol’ plastic box. It featured two tiny joysticks that really could only comfortably be used simultaneously by a small troll or monkey-child, and five tiny buttons that are often obscured by your big ol’ man-hands when you play, or just simply too small to use in a clinch. A good idea, but not as functional as, say, the simple Atari 2600 single-stick-and-a-button classic.

TIE: Sega Master System Joystick Controller / Super Nintendo Joystick Advantage Turbo Controller / PC Quickshot 2
Talk about a big head! No, not yours. And not mine either! I mean the gargantuan bulky, big head atop of this towering joystick-of-death that is the Sega Master System Joystick. You could club a seal to death with this thing! Really. Seriously, I did. Just to prove a point. But I digress. This is just too darn big for anyone to use without fumbling around losing your grip and possibly your mind. With such a big head and such little buttons to press, I feel like Dudley Moore in Arthur! Add even more buttons and confusion and you get the Super Nintendo Joystick Advantage Turbo Controller, an even more baffling controller for small minded, easily baffled gamers such as myself. Reduce it down to simply one big ol’ stick and two-button trigger action and you get the Quickshot 2, which I snapped in half back in the day after an overly-spirited round of game play.

Atari 2600 Paddles
Remember these? The paddles that came with the Atari 2600 to play tennis or pong-type games back in early ‘80s? Remember how the slightest touch sent you soaring across the screen at unwanted top speeds, and trying to overcompensate left you frozen and powerless? Remember how frustrating the lack of precision was in an era when video game knowledge was so limited and the potential so untapped? Well, I friggin’ do and lemme tell ya, it sucked! Yes, the paddles were good in theory, and were later perfected, but back in the day any game that needed paddles was a game I steered clear from. And who in the hell wanted to play Tennis anyways when you coulda be playin’ Adventure, Missile Command or Pitfall?

Intellivision Keypads
Let me say this up front: I owned an Intellivision way back when as a lil’ one. I even bought one on eBay a few years back, just to give it another shot. But ya know what, it still sucks! It’s not the game either, it’s the damn controllers! Keypads? Keypads?!? In a joystick world, who in their right mind would actually choose to use keypads? I mean, sure, if you were forced to at gunpoint. But in any other circumstance? They had no stick and no joy, they had a little weird dial and numbered pads that looked too computer-like, and were generally confusing when playing most games. They worked for, like, Hangman or something. But for action and war games, they were completely lacking. Between these cruddy pads and choosing George Plimpton as their spokesman, they were doomed from the start. C’mon! Great thinker/writer/journalist? Yes. The guy you wanted pitching video games to your pre-teen? Are you out of your friggin’ minds? Mistake, mistake, mistake…

So what have we learned? Well, here’s a quick summary of the things to watch out for in your journey of joy:
1. Too many buttons means too much confusion.
2. Too big-a-stick-on-top-o’-too-little-a-base (“rim-shot please -- heeellooo!!!”) ain’t the way to go.
3. Too-lil’-a-buttons equals too lil’ fun.
4. Keypads blow.
5. Stay away from the word “Turbo.”